Spreading HAPPINESS...

I think this idea would be wonderful!

I think I should write out a bunch of inspirational sayings and leave them on mirrors and windows in public places...randomly...anonymously...

Check this out:
operation beautiful

30 Day of Truth: Day 2

Simply stated, I love that I love to learn. I love my curiostiy. I love my yearning to find something new and interesting every single day! Like just now, I watched a kettlebell infommercial because I didn't really know how you worked out with them. Or every day I look up the calories to things I don't know so that I can be better educated on my journey. I love that I want to be a perpetual student (even though funds don't allow for that and I'm not actually in school at the moment). I wish I could earn one degree and just keep going...degree after degree after degree! I have friends who think I'm ridiculous because I'll rattle off random facts...I guess I know a little about a lot these days..because I love to learn. I love that I love to learn.

30 Days of Truth...

I'm hoping that by writing these things out I can kind of "fix" myself a little.

Times have been tough lately...

Steven falling off the wagon again...

Being essentially a single mom after 8pm every single night...

Not enjoying any of the little things anymore in my life...

And I really just want to crawl in a hole and die as of late!

I'm hoping that time will give me the strength to pick up everything and move away. Seriously. I need out from under my family's watch. I love living next door to my Grandma. And I love seeing my Dad nearly every single day. But I can't sneeze wrong without someone calling...or stopping by...or asking each other about it! I feel like I'm the family gossip and I'm tired of it! If they want to talk and wonder what I'm doing, then they need to just leave me out of it! I can't handle it anymore...

So, alas, I needed something. And a friend on Sparkpeople.com decided to direct me to these truths...maybe they'll help...I hope they'll help...

I hate that I have no self-confidence. I hate that my arms jiggle, my ass is dimpled, and my stomach hangs. I hate that my hair is a rats nest most days because I'm too lazy to do anything but put it in a messy bun. I hate that I can't live life to its fullest because of the choices I've made. I hate that I loved traveling so much that I almost miss it to the point that I want to give up everything. I hate that I resent the fact that I have the most amazing daughter in the whole wide world that keeps me grounded. I hate that I don't want anything to do with anyone some days because I can't stand to even look at myself. I hate that I hate so much...

I hate that my life revolves around whether I'm anxious and depressed each day or not. I hate that I can't fix it when I am.

I think that's enough hate for one person...

Merry Christmas!

Despite the overwhelming turn my life has taken the past two days, I am in the best mood today! The Christmas season has something amazing to it...

It's hard when someone you love goes through turmoil and hardship that creates drastic changes. We will get through this fall though. Steven is stronger than he gives himself credit for and I'm going to stand by his side as he makes the appropriate changes.

It's Marlee's first Christmas. I know at 6 1/2 months she won't remember what has happened but I will enjoy her grabbing for every paper and bow! And the photos, oh the photos...I'm going to be her personal paparazzi! :)

Much love everyone!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Taylor Swift - Haunted

For some reason this song resonates with me. My current situation is fitting...I wish it wasn't...but it is...

[Verse 1]You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and its all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And its comin' over you like its all a big mistake

Holding my breathe, won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted
Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

[Verse 2]Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I say to you
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishin he was you instead

Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again
Something keeps me holding on to nothing

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted
Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

[Bridge]I know, I know, I just know
You're not gone, you can't be gone
No

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone can’t go back
I’m haunted

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it

Christmas-time! Wish there was snow...

Worry, Snow, and DADA!

Is there a point where us, as women, stop being insecure and crazy about stupid little things?!



I think it's in my nature to worry over who is looking in my direction, what they're thinking, and whether or not my boyfriend is noticing!



I don't want to be the girl that people see and think to themselves, "What does he see in her!?" Steven told me that I'm ridiculous to think this way...



I probably am...



~~~~~~~~~~



With the promise of some snow yesterday, I was excited that we might get a little moisture, my bloody noses would stop, and it would feel like December in Colorado. But they lied. It barely spit on us and it seems to be back to our sunny Fall weather instead of nearly Christmas-time weather!



I really don't know how to deal with this...



I feel like I don't live in Colorado currently...



UGH!



~~~~~~~~~~



Marlee very clearly says DADA now! It's cute! I love listening to her talk. And now I'm attempting to teach her MAMA...that way she can eventually associate them with the right people and we can mark it in the book!



Or should I mark it in the book that her first word is DADA..she doesn't know what it means...I don't know how this stuff works!

Weight-less journey...

I'm not sure when this journey will start...I feel like it has already but it's not being shown very well on paper!

My mind is made up...
I have all the right mental tools...

Now it's time for action!!!

And with that action, I've joined a challenge on Sparkpeople.com. It's the Rachel_Mac Progress Picture Challenge! I have to post weekly progress photos in blog posts.

I'm not really scared about showing my mostly naked body out there...but more just scared I won't change week to week and I'll be a failure!

~~~~~~~~~~~

I also did some calculating via some BMR/RMR calculators available out there on the 'net. Here's my findings:

Current BMI: 34 Healthy BMI: 24.9 and under
Current Weight: 192 Healthy Weight: 140

Current BMR/RMR: 1671/1590
Healthy BMR/RMR: 1446/1354

On another site, current BMR: 1583

According to all these numbers, I will need a 506 calorie deficit each day for one year to lose the 52lbs I need to. 758 calories for 8 months for the same result.

Now I'm doing some investigating and some asking of questions because I don't really understand what to do with all these numbers...
Once I learn, I will blog!

I hate days like this...

Do you ever have those days where you doubt every last thing about yourself?!

I'm living in one right now...

I think I've cried about 10 times now wishing I was something more beautiful than I am!

It's silly, really! There's no point in making this stress for myself...for my relationship! I constantly compare myself to the girls in Steven's everyday life. I don't want to. But I do.

Steven has spent the last 2 years building up my self esteem. He's done a wonderful job! I've grown within myself as well as started taking care of myself outwardly. It's nice.

I admire the trials and tribulations that Steven has endured. I've put him through so much crap while I swam in a pool of self-loathing...

It's ridiculous...seriously...

Happy little tree...

We're now ready for the holiday season...finally!

Dear Weight-loss goals:

SUCK IT! I don't care if I don't reach you!!! I'm happy with the lifestyle I've embedded into my head! I'm happy that I'm eating right and staying remotely active!

And guess what numbers on the scale?! The inches are coming off instead!!! So HA!

Thanks,
The Slowly Shrinking Girl

Who could resist these faces??

My loves...Steven and Marlee (6months)

Look out world!

I think she could be a cowgirl...

Food Obsessions...

I like to eat...

Nah, I LOVE to eat...

But somewhere in my body, it hates to burn what I eat...

What do I do about this?!

Well, nothing right now...but I'm thinking that I should really get on it! Start calculating input and output...get things evened out..

How???

Oi...I'm off to google...

6 Month Stats...

My Little Miss turned 6 months this past Saturday! Can you believe it?!

Today was her doctor's appointment. She was given 4 shots...to which she was a champ about! I about died though when I was holding her really tight and she was looking at me with that wide-scared-mouth-open-eyed look...like she knew something was coming! As far as I know, she's doing alright right now! :)

Her stats:

Birth: 7lbs 8oz, 20 1/4inches long, 14inch head

Now: 16lbs 14oz, 26 3/4inches long, 17.3inch head

My little chubby girl....with a big head...haha

Her weight and height are in the 75th percentile. And her head is in the 90th percentile! It's all those brains shes developing!

BIRTH DAY JUNE 4, 2010

THANKSGIVING NOVEMBER 25, 2010

I'm the MOM...

Growing up, my mom always bought gifts for everyone! She was so good about it! She also bought things to give to people from us and we never really knew what we were giving people. Was kind of like extra fun to have!

Well, now it's my turn to be the mom...and I suck...

Finding Wii Fit Plus with the Balance Board for $85.00 on walmart.com this last weekend was awesome! So, we jumped on it and well...bought it. It's my Christmas gift from Steven. I paid for it...he says he'll just pay for his gift and Marlee's with the money he owes me.

Well, with that being said, that seems like a dandy idea. Except I feel selfish.

I got exactly what I want but he can't get what he wants...because I don't have the money to get it for him right now.

And Marlee...oh Miss Marlee! It's her first Christmas...and I have nothing for her. I have no idea what to get her either!

I almost want to wait and see what everyone else gives her and then go get her something AFTER Christmas...but then what is she supposed to tear open or have under our 2 foot, silver tree????

I feel like I completely suck at life right now...and it hurts...

I'm supposed to the the MOM...

Photo-Op!

She's kind of gangster and its ok!

Workout DVD Junkie!

I'm addicted! I see new ads for home workout DVD's every single day and I have to watch their little infomercial videos!! I'm so intrigued by it all!!!

So, I'm making a list of the ones that I really want:

P90X Who doesn't absolutely want this one?! I mean, look at the results!!!
ChaLEAN Extreme It's like the "girly" version of P90X from what I get...
Insanity Do you see a trend?! This one, I already love Shaun T. from Hip Hop Abs :)
Bob Harper Inside Out Method Who wouldn't love to watch Bob workout and burn some calories yourself!?

Of course I'll probably find more tomorrow when I'm surfing the 'net! But that's a pretty good list thus far.

I understand that everything always promises the BEST results...but it's really your diet as well as just staying active. So, don't freak out thinking that I'm just looking for a quick fix. I'm not. (Even though it would be nice!)

For now, I have sitting at home, collecting dust, these fabulous DVD's:
Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred
ENVY Girls
Hip Hop Abs
Tae Bo (on VHS)
10 Minute Solution: Kickbox Bootcamp
10 Minute Solution: Fat Blasting Dance Mix
Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown

I think that might be it....there's probably more! haha If you have any questions about those that I do have, let me know! :)

Goals...maybe?

While checking in on HYC just now, I was thinking what could I really say about my journey thus far???

I've been "trying" to lose weight for quite some time. Somehow, I always find EXCUSES that get in the way of success!

Sure, it's a common problem with most people and I really just need to suck it up, but all in all, I think I'm more scared than anything.

I've never really accomplished a goal for myself.

I remember in high school constantly knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I knew perfectly the path I was going to follow..and I knew what it would take to get there.

That changed about a year into college. I jetted off to Ireland and was still working on my teaching degree. That was my main goal: become a teacher. I came home from Ireland and a semester in Nebraska and got married. That definitely wasn't in the plans...I didn't think I'd really ever get married...

Maybe it was for the better...I was divorced just over a year later!

After getting married, I changed my degree path to computer aided drafting...

Ok, it's still school...it's still a degree...but it's definitely not what I thought I'd be doing!

That ended when I ran out of money...

Now here I am, in a part time job, with no degree...and really no hopes of going back to school any time soon...

I guess that's the biggest goal I never achieved that has always lurked in the back of my head!

I don't want weight loss to join that one and just pull me down...

Measurements

I did measurements today because it is 30 Day Shred Day 1!

Starting Weight: 194...yes, I know it's high...but that's because I have a snacking problem. And I usually end up eating something salty before bed...which makes me retain water over night...boo!

Waist: 43"; Natural Waist: 38.5"
Hips: 48"
Right Thigh: 27.5"
Right Arm: 13.5"

Ew...

This is the last week of the first half of Marlee's life (does that make sense?). I can't believe come Saturday she'll be 6 months already! It's amazing how time flies!

Along with this milestone, she has figured out how to flop forward from sitting, push her legs out from underneath her, squirm on her tummy some, and then flip to her back! I wish she'd spend more time on her tummy and figure out how to move her arms with her legs and at least rock!

I know, all you mother's out there are yelling at me saying "NO, don't wish for that! Love when they are immobile!" Yeah, I should...but I don't. I can't wait for her to start crawling...walking...running!

Thanksgiving recap...

The day started out just as all days do. Sleeping until the very last second that I can when Marlee starts to really get mad in her bed! Then I gather her up and do the usual boob, diaper, play...

I switched on the t.v. after my shower just in time to see Jessica Simpson sing, nah lip-sync, her song (they all do, don't get offended) in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I did more getting ready and came back to the t.v. as good ole Santa Claus appeared! OFFICIAL START TO THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!

Once we were all showered and ready to go, me in my jeans and sweater, Steven in his jeans and t-shirt (surprise surprise), and Miss Marlee in her pink leggings and brown dress with pink polka dots (it's a 9month size...she's almost 6 months..), we headed to my mom's!

At my mom's we enjoy the usual food suspects. Nothing fancy.

Marlee was the highlight of the dinner table though. She tasted some Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes, and Orange Jello! This girl was a drooling machine! Not to mention, after she confiscated my spoon from me, she was a hammering machine! Loud...as...ever! Loved it!

I must also put that that girl LOVED sweet potatoes!

The rest of the day was spent napping and watching Marlee be her crazy self!

I love Thanksgiving naps...

Well, I'll leave you with Marlee being silly via a photo from Papa (Paul Moloney), Marlee's great-grandpa!

HERE WE GO!

I guess you could say I've jumped on the bandwagon! Okay, that's not fair..because the other people involved are really working their butts off..literally! But, needless to say, I've joined yet another weight loss challenge/journey/blog/forum/whatever...

While I love Sparkpeople , I do want something else. I always seek for supplementation...get all I can out of every resource available!

So, I joined the Healthy You Challenge via Scale Junkie.




I'm adding this to my other list of:
Daily Burn
Calorie Count
Fat Secret

And there's probably more...

I just hope one day I can reach my goals! For now, I'm stuck at 190lbs and I'm about to start Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred...again....

The holidays are among us...

This time of year makes me look at my house and realize how sad it is around the holidays! I have ZERO Fall/Thanksgiving decorations to put up...and I have a minimal Christmas ones! Granted, the house is only 420 square feet...I still want it to become warm and cozy and beautiful this time of year!

On that note, I think I need to find a hobby. A crafty hobby. Something that really feeds my soul and keeps me out of the fridge! Any ideas????

Just call me Betty...Betty Crocker...

Tonight marks the second night in a row that I shall attempt to cook dinner by myself!

This is a feat folks...

I've never really known how to cook...

Last night I made a Sausage Pasta Bake...that was delicious!!!

Tonight I'm attempting an Easy Paella...

Steven has told me that me cooking is "hot"...hot as in the kitchen/oven warms up the entire house?!? Nope, hot as in it gets him hot and bothered to have a woman cook him good food...odd! But I love him nonetheless!

Dear Paella,

I hope that I don't ruin your easiness. I know that you're going to belong warmly in my stomach and I'm hoping my taste buds don't have a different idea!

From,
Your dearest, new BETTY

Photos!

The main point of the photos lately is that Marlee has decided this past week that she's going to sit up on her own now! Thank goodness! Now if she could just learn to roll over! haha

Something must have been very interesting...
Who doesn't love those eyes?!

This is Marlee's innocent face ;)

Attacking Nina's nose!!! Oh the dangers of being a godmother!

Haha...I just love it!

Someone kick her out of my head!

Have you ever been so comfortable in your own skin that it's dangerous?!

Yes, it's good to be confident at any size...

But my confidence is turning into laziness!!! Ugh...

I've been stuck in the 188-191 range for about a month now! I can't handle it anymore! At least if I was at like 180 and stuck, I could say I've lost all my pregnancy weight..but nope. I'm stuck...at an awful point...and I just want past it!

The key to getting past it...working out! Enter Queen-of-all-excuses! Yep, she's sitting her content, fat butt in my head and not letting me move. I'm so disappointed in myself...

I have 2 weeks to bet at 184...I want to reach my mini goals so bad...

Someone help me kick her out of my head!

Mobile posting...yes Marlee's toes are painted!

Testing the mobile blogging! I feel so tech savvy!

Water...in many forms...

I decided last night that humidifiers are amazing. Marlee was able to sleep for 9 hours straight and breathe the whole time because of the moist air floating around her room!!!

Oh, and we got a new water heater this morning...

I'm so glad that my grandma is my land lord...

And I'm so glad I don't own a home yet! I don't think I could handle things like the water heater going out...or even patching holes in the walls! Which I'm going to have to do anyways...

**shakes fist** Darn you temper and having the insane ability to create holes in the walls!

A few thoughts...

I know I've lacked in my blogging lately...but I'm a-mess with thoughts.

I've decided I want to write my own book. I'm not sure it would ever get published, but I feel I need to write out how I feel about being a mom. I guess we'll see when this gets off and running and how I really feel about it then!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm wondering what it would be like to actually have all my mental motivation come true. I've got all the right tools...the right skills...everything...to achieve my weight loss goals. But I let life take hold. I let the fact that when Steven is home we do nothing but sit around control my workout schedule. I don't know what it is, but I'm embarrassed to workout in front of him.

I asked him today if he would do some Yoga with me so that I wasn't stuck alone...but he told me no. I'm not sure what to do.

I can't go out and do my walks/jogs right now because we just got our first snow of the season...it's cold...and I keep getting sick!

I meet with a nutritionist about every 2 weeks...this should motivate me, right?! Yeah, it doesn't.

I log my food every week day (I don't weekends because I don't have computer contact) and I still eat 1900+ calories every stinkin' day!!

I'm at a loss...and not a good one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a rainbow striped box at home by the heater. Inside is my laptop. The one that has died..and I'm not sure if I can save it. The one that has ALL my photos from my study abroad in Ireland. The one that I loved having! But otherwise, I don't remember what else is in there... Maybe I'll do some treasure hunting and dig into it tonight... I hope there's something really good in it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Babyfood cook!?

Marlee eats...a lot...she loves food! (Must be hereditary!)

Well, since I can't seem to keep up with my breastmilk, we've always supplemented with formula. She'll eat boob as long as I'm around and otherwise have some formula to hold her over in the afternoons.

This doesn't seem to be completing it for her. She's still downing an 8oz bottle every chance she can get and always could go for more! Granted, I don't want to over-feed my child..but I certainly don't want her to think she's starving!

Soooooo...I'm going to try my hand at making some homemade rice cereal. I saw it done on 19 Kids and Counting the other night and I've thought over and over again about doing my own baby food anyways!

Well, I think it's going to be really easy...

1/4c rice (we're going to use brown rice for the health benefits)
1c water

1. Boil water - add the "powder" ("Powder" is ground up rice)
2. Simmer for about 10 minutes whisking constantly
3. Add breastmilk or formula
4. Serve warm

I think my cooking expertise (which extends no further than my elbow) can handle this! What'cha think?

Halloween weekend...

Well, Halloween weekend was essentially a total bust! Steven worked the whole darn thing and I sat at home watching t.v.! Lori accompanied me (which makes it much more bearable).

On Halloween evening we took Marlee over to my parents and Steven's mom's to trick or treat in our costumes. We also walked up my parent's street to about 8 houses. Just enough to get Marlee out and about but also get us a little bit of candy! haha

Here's our little BUG:

Why did the chicken cross the road?! Because he was shopping with his family!

Group shot! (Wish my mom would have done a long one so you could see our entire outfits...but oh well!)

And simply because we're strange....

Dear...

Dear Little Kids on the Sidewalks,

I'm sorry that Steven is such a nut and is wearing a giant chicken costume 2 days before Halloween. I know it might be a little frightening, but he really is just trying to make people laugh!

Understanding completely,
Kendra

Dear "Awww"-ers in the stores,

Yes, Marlee is ABSOLUTELY adorable in her ladybug costume, but didn't you see that I had the ladybug wings and antennae on too!! We match!!! Isn't that worth something!?

Slightly jealous,
Kendra

Dear Silvermine Subs employee,

Thanks for making a super delicious sandwich for me today, but I must let you know I'll never eat it again! One, there's a lot of onions on it. I don't really like onions. Two, it has 1011 calories and 69 grams of fat! I know, I'm disappointed too. But I just can't find it in myself to eat that again!

Forgive me,
Kendra

Why was it so hard??

I did something the other day that I didn't think would actually be hard...

I sorted through Marlee's clothes...boxed up the ones that don't fit her anymore!

It was really hard...like seriously, wanted to cry hard...I don't know why!

Luckily, I'm passing the clothes onto friends that will definitely cherish them and enjoy them...but I'm sad their not hanging in our closet anymore... *sigh*

The stupid things that happen to us mothers...haha

Wish I wasn't sick...

Tuesday...forgot to weigh myself this morning...I'm kind of afraid to check it! I got really excited with that 187 and I really don't want to fluctuate above it! Oh well...I'll look soon!

Sick, I hate being sick. I REALLY hate being sick while breastfeeding. I can only take pain relievers like Tylenol and those don't do diddly for a congested head! What I wouldn't give for a dose of Sudafed!

Halloween is approaching...Marlee and I are going to be Ladybugs! I'm rather excited about it!

Steven is going to be a giant Chicken!

Thursday we're talking about going to karaoke and a little costume contest for a couple hours but Steven won't have the chicken costume yet. So, he'll probably dress like a girl....haha! I guess we'll see!

I love rain!

It's been raining off and on today... I love it...

Weighed in at 187lbs...that's right 1-freakin'-87!!! That means I could possibly meet my original Halloween goal of 185...

As it stands now, I've surpassed my new Halloween goal of 188. I re-evaluated them because I wasn't going to let myself fail! So, I changed my overall goal for 20lbs by the New Year rather than 25lbs. But with this week's loss...I'm thinking I just might be able to do it! We'll see!!!

Darn those boobies!

One of my main goals that I set for myself as as mommy is to breastfeed for Marlee's first year. Well, I'm not sure that's going to happen. Unless by some miracle my milk comes back to me!

It's dwindling...a lot. I don't know if it's from the Depo shot, from my eating, from my not having any pre-natal vitamins right now, or what....but I'm scared!

I really don't want it to all go away. I'll feel like I've failed Marlee.

Steven's right though...the other day he told me that I'm just comparing myself to his other kid's mother. She breastfed for FOREVER for Ryan and Trinity...I guess I don't want to let Steven down either...

Ugh...

Darn these stinkin' boobies! Why can't they just be producing enough for Marlee!? Oooohhhh well...

PHOTOS (Con't from 1st blog for today)

This is going to be long...

Okay, so here's the deal...I had a doctor's appointment this morning and I switched birth control from the depo shot to the mini pill (while breastfeeding). Truthfully, I'm excited because I should...get it should...be able to lose more weight now! The dreaded depo shot likes to make you gain weight! Luckily, I was able to maintain...technically lose like 3lbs...while I was on it! But 3lbs in 3 months...that's horrible odds! So now Pill here I come...and you better work for me or I'm going to just be abstinent! Sorry Love, but I can't handle the weight anymore and we're not ready for another baby!

On that note, I weighed in at the doctor's office and I'm at 190...still...I have like a week and a half that I wanted to be at 185...figures...I'm not going to make it! I think I'll re-evaluate my goals now...give myself some more time...we'll see! Wish I could have made 25 lbs lost by New Years!

Okay, Photos: (I should have uploaded these before I wrote my blog...cause now I'm going to have to move everything around and delete spaces.....AHHH Eff-it...I'm going to make a 2nd post)

Soooo, photos on the next post folks!

I ran out of time..

Sorry folks..I have a mess of photos to post and I've run out of time for the day!

Tomorrow...I PROMISE!

Babies and football...

I finally posted my Transformation Photos. They're in a separate page on this blog...click up above to check out how "phat" I am! HA!

This weekend seems like it's super full of things to do!

Tonight, I'm hanging out at a friends...it'll be nice to be out of the house instead of just twidling my thumbs!

Tomorrow, I have a candle party with my mom in the morning...then I'm going to go dancing with some friends while Marlee spends some time with Jaime! :) (Thanks again Jaime!)

Sunday, we're going to head down to Aurora where Steven is going to play full-contact flag football...I'm a little anxious to see how these boys play! It'll be with with some fellas he hasn't seen in about 8 years and used to play semi-professional football with!

After that, on Sunday, we'll head to Parker to visit Shanna and Andy and see brand-new baby Joseph!!! I'm looking forward to introducing Marlee to all her cousins! I think it'll be fun!

Soooo...YEP!

Oh, and the whole posting photo thing...yeah, I keep forgetting my memory card...

PS...I suck at life! ha

What does Mommy mean?

After a few conversations today, I want to know what does Mommy really mean??

Does this mean a woman who has given up all rights to dance about because the child is screaming on the bed and just wants to be held...

Does this mean someone who sleepily walks from her bed to the crib to put the pacifier back in the babies mouth in hopes she'll fall right back to sleep and you won't actually have to wake up...

Does Mommy mean laughing at the silly sounds that come from the babies throat and forgetting what its like to laugh at a dirty joke instead...

Does it mean you workout during the late hours of the night because that's when 30 minutes is uninteruppted and all you want is to be outside running and not squatting in your living room...

I just want to know when Mommy is going to mean all these things PLUS being a social asset, a cleaning fairy, a gourmet cook, and an excellent lover!

Could someone let me know when to expect all these things to exist together?

It's Tuesday again!?

Man, these weeks are certainly flying by! I can't believe it's time to check in again!

Well, I'm still on that silly plateau that I hate...

Standing steady with 189 in my back pocket!

Someone crush that bitch! Ha...185 needs to be my friend by HALLOWEEN and I'm really scared it's not going to happen!

I need my first goal to happen...or I'm going to fall off the wagon!

Lazy...maybe...

Steven's first paycheck comes tonight. And he keeps saying how we might go to Centerra (mall) tomorrow or even maybe the mountains again! I don't care either way...I'm just looking forward to family time for the first time in over a month!!!

We had our extra occupant. Which, was no problem at all, but it got a little on the crowded side sometimes. I really missed just having my happy 3-some of me, Mr, and Bug!

I have photos to share...from our mountain trip last weekend. And a few others..but I'm kind of being lazy..and kind of avoiding making a mess in my office with cords and what not! We're doing some renovating...and heck, it's crazy enough without me trying to edit photos in the midst of it all! :)

So, probably next week folks!

Needless to say...I'm about to super jump myself into high gear! I'm 3 weeks away from my first goal of 185...and I'm 4lbs away!!! "Sure, you've got time Kendra!", you're all thinking! But I don't!!! Ha...I really want my goals to happen this time! REALLY REALLY REALLY!!!

Who says PJ's aren't real clothes?!

Steven has called me twice now just to tell me how cute Marlee looks in her little sleeper she got from Grandma "Goo" (Regina...she aptly named herself this by saying that Marlee's goo was really her trying to say grandma...so we made it a joke and I'm afraid its sticking in my head...oh and she's my mom).

I wish we had footy pajama's that we could just lounge in all day long...

Really, we have had Marlee out in public a few times today too...but she's still in her sleeper! Nice, cozy, warm...

I'm jealous!

Operation HOT MAMA!

Ha, okay, so I was tired of calling today "Tuesday Torture". Sure, it's a little painful some weeks...but lately, my mind is made up and I'm sooooo game to make this work for me!

I'm at a stand-still.

Last week: 189
This week: 189

This isn't necessarily a bad thing...

It's that "time of the month"! Oh dear ole Aunt Flo...you always wreck something!

After reading Jaime's blog, I think I'm going to make a TRANSFORMATION PHOTO page...that way I can SEE how things are going...maybe that'll put some more fire under my butt!

Ok, but back to the blog title. I'm going for Operation Hot Mama...because well, one of my main motivators is that I don't want to be a bad influence for Marlee. I want her to see that it's good to be active and healthy! I don't necesarily want to be SKINNY...but I want to be HEALTHY! Get it!? Mmmkay...

Here's to another week down!

Wow...

So, over the last two days I've had rollercoaster of emotions revolving around the future of my family.

Events unfolded that almost ended in Steven moving out.

We made a plan instead. I came up with some boundaries that would be feasible for us both to follow and we're going to really work on this!

I love this man soooo much! I can't imagine my life without him. In fact, for the past two days I've been an anxious, depressed mess just thinking about it! Not good folks! I think the cortisol has really kicked in! BOO!

Alas, time will only tell how things will really turn out...but until then: WOW...what a crazy 2 days!

Tuesday Torture!

Okay so it's not really torture anymore! :)

Last week's weight: 191
This week: 189

Who's excited?! I'm excited!!!

Last night, Steven worked and Keque went to the bar to watch the football game. So, I had the house to myself. Well, with Marlee of course but she was sleeping. So, I popped in a workout DVD and sweated my butt off for 60 minutes doing The Biggest Loser Workout 2.

Another point to note: I'm only 4lbs from my Halloween goal of 185 and I still have like 4 weeks to do it! That means, hopefully, I'll be surpassing it! Which would make everything so much easier and much more exciting! Haha

In other news, Keque was unable to get a license here in Colorado because California still has a hold on his from his DUI 3 years ago. So, he's leaving on Tuesday, moving home, and finishing all his classes and paying his fine. I can't say I'm disappointed he's leaving. I'm ready to have my family back. But in the same breath, I know Steven will miss him and he was like a live-in babysitter...which kind of helped sometimes! Now, the next time he comes back, he'll probably just drive all his stuff and do it the right way! Thank goodness!!!

I'd be lying if I said I'm not going to miss him...

That being said, I'm going to chow down some cucumbers and a tuna sandwich and be on my way! :)

Happy Torture-less Tuesday!

Maybe someday...

Today was Steven's second court hearing for his DUI. We got yet another continuation so that we can get an attorney. Now we're still on a waiting game...

Next week is his hearing with the DMV though and I'm hoping that does go well. As in, he gets a restricted license. If he doesn't, then I'm really not sure what we'll do! I guess we'll figure it out at that point!

I'm thinking I need a "mommy day" one of these days! I really love having Marlee with me (she could come with me) but I'm super tired of being with the boys all the time! It gets super old just watching movies, playing poker, and playing Wii. It's time for me to go shopping (or at least window shopping), get a coffee, sit in the bookstore for hours, etc.

*sigh* That does sound like the perfect day...I could even sit in the children's section of the bookstore and read Marlee books!

Maybe someday...

Photography Blog...

I'm going to start doing sessions with some people I know to develop my photography.

In the meantime, I've created a blog that will strictly hold photos from the shoots I do. Currently, it has some that I have taken over the past few months.

Check it out!

Kendra Payne Photography

Checkin' In...

Well, folks! I finally have a good report to give you! I'm down 2 lbs! 191!!! I know, it's a tiny, little bit compared to the rest of my goal (and what I should weigh...darn being short) but it's a start, and I'm excited!

I've been tracking my food on an Excel Spreadsheet. I like this much better because I can keep it to myself as much as I want...and I don't have to log into anything! haha (Maybe I'm just lazy...)

I've drafted some small goals. They seem doable...and I'm really not afraid to NOT meet them...but it sure would be nice to finally meet a goal! Soooo...here's my idea:

185 by Halloween
179 by Thanksgiving
170 by Christmas
168 by New Years

That will give me a 25lb loss before the new year...sounds awesome to me! :)

Some more good news on the homefront, Steven has a job!!! YAY!!! He is doing security at a club/bar. It's part-time technically and minimum wage...but it's more money than what we had! Plus, it'll get him out of the house and give him his alone time that he is desparately needing!

Now...if the good things trend can continue to happen and we can get him a restricted license on the 29th when he goes to talk with the DMV...that would be awesome! One thing at a time, I guess...

Evaluations...

While catching up after the weekend on the blogs I subscribe to, I read this one today: How in the hell do I... and decided that I need to think about these things too! (By the way, check out this girls blog and look for her photography cause she's awesome!)

It's time for me to do things that really make me happy. Stop making others happy first and foremost! Heck, be selfish for once Kendra!

Recently, my happiest moment was taking a short (seriously, like 5 minutes) walk on Sunday morning. It was just Steven, Marlee, me, and Hercules. We watched as Hercules bounced around with a softball in his mouth and Marlee squinted at the sunshine when it whizzed past my head and into her face. Steven reached over and put his arm around me in an embrace I always cherish. We walked the "long" way around the lot in order to prolong our walk and just enjoy the warmth of the day.

I like simple...I like family...

Along with that, I used to really enjoy my job. It's easy, it's part time but pays well, and it's flexible if anything happens. But it's also boring, redundant, and lately been utterly "high school".

I always hint at photography...I think it would make me happier...

I loved school...I would love to go back...

I love culture...I would love to live somewhere that I could get a taste of real life...not just my country living I've had for 24 years now. (Save a couple tastes of life else where for approximately 6 months)

What makes you happy?

Words Aren't Needed...