Thursday, December 30, 2010

30 Days of Truth...

I'm hoping that by writing these things out I can kind of "fix" myself a little.


Times have been tough lately...


Steven falling off the wagon again...


Being essentially a single mom after 8pm every single night...


Not enjoying any of the little things anymore in my life...


And I really just want to crawl in a hole and die as of late!


I'm hoping that time will give me the strength to pick up everything and move away. Seriously. I need out from under my family's watch. I love living next door to my Grandma. And I love seeing my Dad nearly every single day. But I can't sneeze wrong without someone calling...or stopping by...or asking each other about it! I feel like I'm the family gossip and I'm tired of it! If they want to talk and wonder what I'm doing, then they need to just leave me out of it! I can't handle it anymore...


So, alas, I needed something. And a friend on Sparkpeople.com decided to direct me to these truths...maybe they'll help...I hope they'll help...


I hate that I have no self-confidence. I hate that my arms jiggle, my ass is dimpled, and my stomach hangs. I hate that my hair is a rats nest most days because I'm too lazy to do anything but put it in a messy bun. I hate that I can't live life to its fullest because of the choices I've made. I hate that I loved traveling so much that I almost miss it to the point that I want to give up everything. I hate that I resent the fact that I have the most amazing daughter in the whole wide world that keeps me grounded. I hate that I don't want anything to do with anyone some days because I can't stand to even look at myself. I hate that I hate so much...
I hate that my life revolves around whether I'm anxious and depressed each day or not. I hate that I can't fix it when I am.
I think that's enough hate for one person...

1 comment:

Ruby@Ruby'sMusings said...

Hopefully this journey will lead you to a happier, more accepting of self existence. Just be careful what you wish for as far as getting out from under your families watchful eye/thumb..I wished that and now miss it so very much.