Friday, December 31, 2010

Spreading HAPPINESS...

I think this idea would be wonderful!

I think I should write out a bunch of inspirational sayings and leave them on mirrors and windows in public places...randomly...anonymously...

Check this out:
operation beautiful

30 Day of Truth: Day 2

Simply stated, I love that I love to learn. I love my curiostiy. I love my yearning to find something new and interesting every single day! Like just now, I watched a kettlebell infommercial because I didn't really know how you worked out with them. Or every day I look up the calories to things I don't know so that I can be better educated on my journey. I love that I want to be a perpetual student (even though funds don't allow for that and I'm not actually in school at the moment). I wish I could earn one degree and just keep after degree after degree! I have friends who think I'm ridiculous because I'll rattle off random facts...I guess I know a little about a lot these days..because I love to learn. I love that I love to learn.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

30 Days of Truth...

I'm hoping that by writing these things out I can kind of "fix" myself a little.

Times have been tough lately...

Steven falling off the wagon again...

Being essentially a single mom after 8pm every single night...

Not enjoying any of the little things anymore in my life...

And I really just want to crawl in a hole and die as of late!

I'm hoping that time will give me the strength to pick up everything and move away. Seriously. I need out from under my family's watch. I love living next door to my Grandma. And I love seeing my Dad nearly every single day. But I can't sneeze wrong without someone calling...or stopping by...or asking each other about it! I feel like I'm the family gossip and I'm tired of it! If they want to talk and wonder what I'm doing, then they need to just leave me out of it! I can't handle it anymore...

So, alas, I needed something. And a friend on decided to direct me to these truths...maybe they'll help...I hope they'll help...

I hate that I have no self-confidence. I hate that my arms jiggle, my ass is dimpled, and my stomach hangs. I hate that my hair is a rats nest most days because I'm too lazy to do anything but put it in a messy bun. I hate that I can't live life to its fullest because of the choices I've made. I hate that I loved traveling so much that I almost miss it to the point that I want to give up everything. I hate that I resent the fact that I have the most amazing daughter in the whole wide world that keeps me grounded. I hate that I don't want anything to do with anyone some days because I can't stand to even look at myself. I hate that I hate so much...
I hate that my life revolves around whether I'm anxious and depressed each day or not. I hate that I can't fix it when I am.
I think that's enough hate for one person...

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Despite the overwhelming turn my life has taken the past two days, I am in the best mood today! The Christmas season has something amazing to it...

It's hard when someone you love goes through turmoil and hardship that creates drastic changes. We will get through this fall though. Steven is stronger than he gives himself credit for and I'm going to stand by his side as he makes the appropriate changes.

It's Marlee's first Christmas. I know at 6 1/2 months she won't remember what has happened but I will enjoy her grabbing for every paper and bow! And the photos, oh the photos...I'm going to be her personal paparazzi! :)

Much love everyone!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Taylor Swift - Haunted

For some reason this song resonates with me. My current situation is fitting...I wish it wasn't...but it is...

[Verse 1]You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and its all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And its comin' over you like its all a big mistake

Holding my breathe, won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted
Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

[Verse 2]Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I say to you
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishin he was you instead

Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again
Something keeps me holding on to nothing

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted
Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

[Bridge]I know, I know, I just know
You're not gone, you can't be gone

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone can’t go back
I’m haunted

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Worry, Snow, and DADA!

Is there a point where us, as women, stop being insecure and crazy about stupid little things?!

I think it's in my nature to worry over who is looking in my direction, what they're thinking, and whether or not my boyfriend is noticing!

I don't want to be the girl that people see and think to themselves, "What does he see in her!?" Steven told me that I'm ridiculous to think this way...

I probably am...


With the promise of some snow yesterday, I was excited that we might get a little moisture, my bloody noses would stop, and it would feel like December in Colorado. But they lied. It barely spit on us and it seems to be back to our sunny Fall weather instead of nearly Christmas-time weather!

I really don't know how to deal with this...

I feel like I don't live in Colorado currently...



Marlee very clearly says DADA now! It's cute! I love listening to her talk. And now I'm attempting to teach her MAMA...that way she can eventually associate them with the right people and we can mark it in the book!

Or should I mark it in the book that her first word is DADA..she doesn't know what it means...I don't know how this stuff works!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Weight-less journey...

I'm not sure when this journey will start...I feel like it has already but it's not being shown very well on paper!

My mind is made up...
I have all the right mental tools...

Now it's time for action!!!

And with that action, I've joined a challenge on It's the Rachel_Mac Progress Picture Challenge! I have to post weekly progress photos in blog posts.

I'm not really scared about showing my mostly naked body out there...but more just scared I won't change week to week and I'll be a failure!


I also did some calculating via some BMR/RMR calculators available out there on the 'net. Here's my findings:

Current BMI: 34 Healthy BMI: 24.9 and under
Current Weight: 192 Healthy Weight: 140

Current BMR/RMR: 1671/1590
Healthy BMR/RMR: 1446/1354

On another site, current BMR: 1583

According to all these numbers, I will need a 506 calorie deficit each day for one year to lose the 52lbs I need to. 758 calories for 8 months for the same result.

Now I'm doing some investigating and some asking of questions because I don't really understand what to do with all these numbers...
Once I learn, I will blog!

Monday, December 13, 2010

I hate days like this...

Do you ever have those days where you doubt every last thing about yourself?!

I'm living in one right now...

I think I've cried about 10 times now wishing I was something more beautiful than I am!

It's silly, really! There's no point in making this stress for myself...for my relationship! I constantly compare myself to the girls in Steven's everyday life. I don't want to. But I do.

Steven has spent the last 2 years building up my self esteem. He's done a wonderful job! I've grown within myself as well as started taking care of myself outwardly. It's nice.

I admire the trials and tribulations that Steven has endured. I've put him through so much crap while I swam in a pool of self-loathing...

It's ridiculous...seriously...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Happy little tree...

We're now ready for the holiday season...finally!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dear Weight-loss goals:

SUCK IT! I don't care if I don't reach you!!! I'm happy with the lifestyle I've embedded into my head! I'm happy that I'm eating right and staying remotely active!

And guess what numbers on the scale?! The inches are coming off instead!!! So HA!

The Slowly Shrinking Girl

Who could resist these faces??

My loves...Steven and Marlee (6months)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Look out world!

I think she could be a cowgirl...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Food Obsessions...

I like to eat...

Nah, I LOVE to eat...

But somewhere in my body, it hates to burn what I eat...

What do I do about this?!

Well, nothing right now...but I'm thinking that I should really get on it! Start calculating input and output...get things evened out..


Oi...I'm off to google...

Monday, December 6, 2010

6 Month Stats...

My Little Miss turned 6 months this past Saturday! Can you believe it?!

Today was her doctor's appointment. She was given 4 which she was a champ about! I about died though when I was holding her really tight and she was looking at me with that wide-scared-mouth-open-eyed she knew something was coming! As far as I know, she's doing alright right now! :)

Her stats:

Birth: 7lbs 8oz, 20 1/4inches long, 14inch head

Now: 16lbs 14oz, 26 3/4inches long, 17.3inch head

My little chubby girl....with a big head...haha

Her weight and height are in the 75th percentile. And her head is in the 90th percentile! It's all those brains shes developing!


Friday, December 3, 2010

I'm the MOM...

Growing up, my mom always bought gifts for everyone! She was so good about it! She also bought things to give to people from us and we never really knew what we were giving people. Was kind of like extra fun to have!

Well, now it's my turn to be the mom...and I suck...

Finding Wii Fit Plus with the Balance Board for $85.00 on this last weekend was awesome! So, we jumped on it and well...bought it. It's my Christmas gift from Steven. I paid for it...he says he'll just pay for his gift and Marlee's with the money he owes me.

Well, with that being said, that seems like a dandy idea. Except I feel selfish.

I got exactly what I want but he can't get what he wants...because I don't have the money to get it for him right now.

And Marlee...oh Miss Marlee! It's her first Christmas...and I have nothing for her. I have no idea what to get her either!

I almost want to wait and see what everyone else gives her and then go get her something AFTER Christmas...but then what is she supposed to tear open or have under our 2 foot, silver tree????

I feel like I completely suck at life right now...and it hurts...

I'm supposed to the the MOM...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


She's kind of gangster and its ok!