Ok, Neglect last time..full on forgotten this time...

Alright, so it's been a while.

Still at Coke...
Live in Lucerne, in my own little house...
Live with Ewok and Roxie...
Dating Justin...

My joint pain and what not was never figured out. Tons of medical bills later, I'm still in fear every day of my body falling apart. I don't let it stop me though! I keep on truckin'...

In searching for some sort of hobby, I've found myself addicted to the joys of singing in public. That's right, karaoke! I pretty much know where to go sing every day of the week...

Now it's time to search for my muse once again, for the writing bug has been nibbling at my fingers...

Neglect...

It appears that most people have neglected this blog. So have I...

My current state is pain...
Awful....horrible....unbearable....pain...

From where? I don't know....not a damn clue!! I got sick again with this allergic reaction to something...only this time it was coupled with a viral infection that attacks my joints. FUN! Well, at this point, I've taken some drugs to get rid of the allergic reaction...but the joint pain is all back. Back 10x worse!

I haven't hardly been able to walk the past couple of days. I just start bawling when I even sit down on the toilet! WTF?!

I'm not sure what's going on...

On a happier note, being with Miles again is a positive outlook on my life. I'm working right now...that's it...I'm not going back to school any time soon....but I'm moving out and I'm going to enjoy my life. Miles is there when he can be..and that's fine with me! I need that sort of independence too.

Seriously changing me...

I'm employed bodybuilding.com and a new friend Ali as my inspiration and help for my body transformation. I WILL DO THIS! I can't keep telling myself that I'm going to do it and then don't. Ali is going to hold me accountable and ask me every day if I've done what I promised.

Today is DAY 1.

I've done what I promised (I believe). Ran 1 mile (well, almost the whole thing) and did 10 sets of 50 crunches. That's right, 500 crunches....whew!

My diet is going to be eggs and toast in the morning, salad for breakfast, and chicken and veggies for dinner. Keeping this strict!! Not going to falter! I CAN'T!

:)

Quality dating????

Is there such thing as quality dating???
I've had a couple dates with All About Singles..and they're nice people...but its the same story as online dating. No one seems to get that I'm mature...I've been married...I'm just looking for a quality relationship with someone. Someone that will adoringly look at me without thinking how I look without my clothes on.

I want someone to keep me intellectual company as well as physical company. Not really needing the sexual contact..but needing the comfort around one another to hold hands...to travel...to kiss on the forehead....to feel wanted in a deeper way....

I think I'm just talking nonsense now...

Thinking with change in my head..

The title kind of states two things: I'm thinking while counting money..so the amounts and the coin change are in my head...as well as...I'm thinking that I should make some serious..SERIOUS..changes in my life.

Yes, I've invested a fair amount of money into this dating thing..and thus far, it's been alright. I've only gone out with two people and have hung out with the second person a second time. As much as I hate the fact that I'm shelling out all kinds of money just to basically make new friends...I'm excited about it still! (not sure why)

The other funny thing is that I still have very honest, sincere plans to move to Portland in the next couple years!!! I HAVE to...not just WANT to..but HAVE to. I really need to get out of Colorado for an extended amount of time. Give myself the chance to really rely on only me as well. But again, I'm shellin' out the money for what then!?

*sigh*

I'm also wondering if it'd be worth it to kind of...well, become celibate... Its not like I NEED it...I'm just kind of there when it comes down to it actually...So...Hmm...Maybe I will...Probably actually...

Okay, sooo...PORTLAND, CELIBACY, SAVE MONEY! :)

Dating??

Well, in my spur of financial trouble I've chalked on something more. I'm really not sure why I've done it...I think it's to console myself.

I've joined with All About Singles here in Colo. They take personality tests and what not and match you to people quite similar to you.

Sunday, I had a date with the first guy! He was a super nice guy..but certainly more of the type that if I ended up with him I would feel like the man in the relationship. They say to give the person 3 dates. Just so you can see how they really are... *sigh* I wish this were easier...

I think the hardest part is how I'm going to tell my parents that I'm paying nearly $900 for the next year to be matched on blind dates... I hope something productive comes of this!!!

I need to think about my ideal guy... If I get some sort of intuitive list going, then I can e-mail it to the matchmakers and they can see what I'm really really looking for. They have some sort of idea..but I should really look deep down and see...

-Work Ethic... Not just constantly working, but really takes pride in what they do and knows that they earn every penny.
-Intelligent... Can hold a great conversation when called for but not revolve life around useless knowledge. (Nor be classified as dorky...no problem with these people at all, but I find that I'm better friends with them than romantically interested)
-Good looking... Not in the typical, societal sense, but rather that they take care of themselves and it in turn makes me want to take care of myself. (Make me want to look good as well and be proud to be seen with them)
-Has humor... I find no reason in going through life constantly cynical or upset. Everyone has their down times but save them with a smile. (I'm the kind of person that will never give a serious gift card, I always want to make someone laugh)
-Hardworking... Willing to do the grunt work when needed. Doesn't mind getting dirt on his pants and grease on his face. (I don't want to feel like the "man" in the relationship because I enjoy the dirt and grease)
-Goal-oriented... Isn't just settled into the life he currently has. People should always aspire to something more than where they are, otherwise, what's the point in living?
-Must love cats... Truthfully, they're a huge part of my world. I can't count how many times I've been upset and/or crying and it's comforted me just to pet or hold my cats.
-Traveler... Not afraid to explore the world. Seeing the world really opens a person's eyes to the things they have and the things they're missing. (Plus, I've lived in another country before..and would love to visit all my friends, and not alone)
-Common Interests... Not to the point where we're completely alike, but where we can both have input in a conversation. (I'd like to have sparks of understanding as well as a chance to learn something new)

I'm not particularly sure if I'm missing anything else at this point..

I do understand that these things can't be set in stone. People aren't perfect and acceptance and understanding are a huge part of life. Therefore, these are just things that create some interest from me.

Maybe this is me...???

Do you ever feel like you're about to lose everything all at once?? You take a deep breath, or swallow hard, and it feels like every part of you is just collapsing...

For some reason, I'm there again...

I'm not really sure why. But I'm feeling like things are going in a very fast downward spiral and I'm in a losing battle.

I wish there were a way to openly know myself..and to understand the issues that I face every day. But I can't even pinpoint the things going on in my mind when I'm not feeling this way.

I think rambling isn't helping...I"m going to stop....

Why I can't seem to do things for myself...

So, my plan before involved living with Lori..and if I don't, then she has to figure out what she's going to do for next year and her living situation. This makes me feel like a complete a** and I just want to say "screw what I want" and move up there anyway!

For some reason, that's the way my mind works. I do everything for everyone else and forget what I need and what I want...

I want to go to school...
I want to move away...
I want to be with people that love me...

But where are they??? Where are my friends?? Where is my calling for school???

I haven't a clue...

Part of me wants to teach..but part of me just wants to work my tail off for the rest of my life...

The whole problem is in today's society everyone pretty much needs a college degree anymore. But why just waste the money and go to school without getting something that is applicable to the rest of life??? I'd love to study English....teaching...philosophy...but where would I really use those majors??? I understand the whole thought process of having a major in something counts...but at the same time, why be bored and have no motivation while going to school just so you have a piece of paper that isn't going to matter to you?! Seems like an awful waste of money....

On top of all that, being married and divorced once in my life already really throws a wrench into things. I want more than anything to have some sort of future. The sad part is, I'm not sure that I'll ever get married again. I'm not sure that I want to. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life..but that sort of self-assurance and unattachment can seem pretty appealing as well. My dad and I talked about that last night as well. We have a few family friends that have either been married and divorced or never married..and they're able to use their money for themselves and do whatever it is they want.

I don't know...I feel like this is all pointless again....

I think I'm just going to work my tail off and save money and move somewhere....Start life over...Become the crazy cat lady...

Pulling at the Heart Strings...

So, I had this plan....
I was going to work my tail off...save money...move to Laramie...go to school at UW...live with Lori...but I'm thinking its all changing again... :(

After talking with my dad over and over and over again, we've come to understand how important a college degree is. But also, how ridiculous it would be to go and get one when you have no motivation to really go. I mean, I want to be a teacher...but I really don't have a passion for it now. Therefore, it would be nearly impossible for me to want to go to school...and so on and so forth.

I guess what I really need is somewhere to go...somewhere I fit in...

Now...I think I'm back to square one where I'm just working my tail off...saving money...and taking my vacations to Boston and Alb or where ever I want to go!!! I might even just skip those and save extra money and up and move somewhere.....

Hmm.........

Weekend Vacation...

Kind of funny how my plans to spend day down in Denver turned into the whole weekend! :)

I left on Saturday about noon to head down and pick up my friend and head over to the Art Museum. Well, when I got there my friend was very hungover so we just hung out for a bit. We ended up going to dinner, seeing a movie, and hittin' Old C's for drinks and trivia. There was 3 of us and it was a lot of fun! :) A definite break from the people I'm normally around! After that, we ended up playing Wii until all hours of the morning and the next day (Sunday) slept allllll day. Finally, we got out of bed around 4pm and headed out again. Hitting the movies a second time and then Old C's again for drinks and trivia.
The time was flying yesterday and the next thing I know, my friend and I are sitting in my car and he's singing me a million songs and I was just enjoying every second of it! After a couple hours, we were heading up the mountain to Evergreen!
I spent last night in Evergreen with my friend...and well, it's a beautiful place! I loved just waking up to the fresh air and the mountains! ;)

So..that was a much much much needed vacation and I loved it!!! Good places...Good company...Good times!!!

Not sure...

There's something heartwarmingly simple about finding a peace within yourself. That strength to once again write because you feel whole...almost.

I had this urge just now that everything seemed right. I haven't text Miles in about a day and for some reason I don't need to. I wonder how he's doing, what he's up to, but I find no reason in asking. I find that for some reason, tonight, I'm self-sufficient!

It's hard to explain...really hard to explain. I wish I had the words to define the feelings I'm having. I want ever so much to find that person that just gets me. Not just listen and they state, "I know how you feel" without so much as an explanation to why they would even remotely understand. It just leaves everything so blank...and I'm afraid that's all I seem to have gotten lately.

With the prospects of tomorrow, I'm wondering if I'll find someone that will hold something in me upward rather than down. I'm not in need of love anymore. I need myself first and foremost..but I am in need of reliable friendship. That's it...-reliable-.

I want friends that will listen...promote...and encourage. And not just on their own time...truly care enough to stop by and say HI or to text me asking what I'm doing rather than me always initiating everything.

Okay, I'm not really sure where this is going anymore...but in all that blunder, I simply realize I want -reliable- people in my life...

Social Sabbatical Days 4, 5, and 6....

Well....Hmm.....
I'm not sure where to start. I've done nothing really... On Tuesday, I kind of broke the sabbatical and went to the bar with Miles to hang out with Sarah and Steven. We had a good time. Then last night, Wednesday, Miles came down again but we ended up taking a little road trip to Laramie and back and then he went home because it was beginning to snow. So, I guess these past few days have been more of a selective sabbatical than anything.

In other news, I've been suffering from a horrid rash. It comes and goes like the wind but it's super bad when its here! :( I break out in red spots and then they grow into large bumps on my skin...and then they go back down to red spots that have stayed for days. My mom told me this morning that when I was younger she always knew when I was going to get sick because I would break out in a rash. So, that's the current diagnosis: viral rash. I just hope that it continues to get better instead of worse at this point. Last night, it was all over my entire back and shoulders and then it was on my sides and a little on my face. Today, my back is super itchy and I have a few little spots on my arms, legs, and sides. *sigh*

Okay, going back to the selective sabbatical and hanging out with Miles. He comes down to get away from his life up in Laramie. The funny thing is, and I don't think he knows this, but it helps me to have him around because we always laugh and pick on one another. I really do like having him around and at this point, I can't wait to move up to Laramie so then we can hang out a lot more! And I can be there for him more immediately. I just hope that even though I'm there he won't want to always just leave. We'll see...that's a whole 11 months away!

I want to just sleep right now....

Social Sabbatical Day 3...

There's a couple people that I haven't avoided talking with. One being Jason...the other being Miles. I've even stopped talking to Lori a whole lot...

Jason is a friend that is strictly online and on the phone. He's gone through a divorce, has two kids, and seems to know exactly what I'm going through. We tend to call one another when we need advice in situations because we're pretty much on the same wave-length.

Miles...I don't want to avoid him...and in fact I'm glad I haven't. He texted me last night at about 3am. I was asleep but woke up and called him immediately. He needed some place to go to get away for the night and well, he's always welcome to come see me. So, needless to say, I was up until 5am waiting for him and it was very nice seeing him as well. We went to bed...then when I woke up around 10:45 I made him wake up and talk to me for a little bit. We talked a small bit about us and whats all going on...but it was more me reassuring him that I'd be there for him and I think he realizes that now that I've made it clear face to face.

Well, all in all, today has been a Monday. I'm currently at work and have no real motivation to work quickly. Actually, I haven't the need. I'm going to end up waiting for the cleaning guy tonight....so I've got time.

This morning gave a possible positive change in my life!!! I got a call from Kohl's asking if I was still interested in the position I'd applied for and I have an interview at 11am tomorrow morning! :) I'm hoping it all pans out and works because I need the second job badly at this point!

So...tonight is going to be relax...that's it.

Thinking about it all now, I think I'm going to try and be in bed at 10:30 every night. I plan to wake up at 5am and text Jaime so she can get up and workout before getting ready for work...and then I'll probably get up at 6am to do the same! I hope it all works out...I'll feel much better about myself!

Social Sabbatical Day 2...

Well, Day 1 ended up a lot different than I thought it would. I did go see a couple movies by myself. I saw Atonement and 27 Dresses. Both were very good!

After the movies, I stopped into Barnes & Noble but I wasn't there longer than about 10 minutes. I just couldn't even focus. I went to my car and immediately started to cry. I'm not sure why...but it's like everything was just a billion times too overwhelming!

At that point, I just started to drive. I got on the frontage road alongside I-25 and drove south. I ended up talking with a friend that lived down in Denver and eventually ended up in Denver hanging out with him and his friends...this is where it turned...I chilled at a bar with them...then went home with my new friend! (This was the first time I'd met him offline). Well, all in all, I ended up staying the night with him...

Day 2 now...I came home from his place around 3pm. I showered..then went to the shop to work on cars with my dad. We found out that the mustang is really really really screwed up and we can't fix it as is. We need to find a new one! :( Then we brought the explorer in and worked on its door issues.

I have yet to cry today...and I really don't feel like I'm missing a whole lot. There's one person that I wish would reply to my texts telling him that I love him..but I'm not sure he's going to because I messed that up horribly the last time I talked to him....I just don't know.

I wish I could just get away from my life right now....I need to just be alone....rely simply on myself...but it's not going to happen..it's not possible. :( I just hope my time away from everyone turns out being beneficial!

Social Sabbatical Day 1...

So, the nice thing about this blog is that not many people know it exists! Therefore, I'm going to keep my thoughts at bay using this.

Day 1:
I believe I just woke up...yes, I did. It's 11:35am, but that's okay.
I'm planning on using today (while my parents are both at work) to head out...see a movie...and go to the bookstore. I want to enjoy the sunshine but feel the need to let my life be swallowed up in the movie screen first.

I'm off...

Not sure how I am suppose to take life right now....

It's kind of funny when you do your best to find yourself and you end up getting S*** on!!! Who does that?!

Well, turns out...I was just being me...dropped the "f bomb" and got shafted for it. Sorry, I have horrible language...I am who I am!!! The sad part is, I thought this person was more accepting than that. I thought he really really really did like me for ME...but I guess not. And when I said to him, "Thanks for being like every other guy...", he told me, "You treat me like I am so I didn't want to disappoint.."! GROW THE F***UP!!!! I know he's worth more than that..and he knows he is too...maybe that's the problem...

Anyway...my day did start out good before that. I'm having a good hair day...I think I look cute...and I found hot pink nail polish and painted my nails!!! But then this shit happened...

Another funny thing...while dealing with that s*** today...I was trying to deal with my own issues as well as a very good friend of mine deciding he wants to give up on life. I've been trying my best to be there for him and help him through those times...but it's just biting me in the ass too! But anyhow, last I checked, someone wanting to die and my own issues take more importance than immaturity!!! Therefore, whatever...he can just fall out of my life if he's going to be that (guy from before). I'm really fine with that...I'm just pissed that there's no valid reason for the way he's acted today!!!

I think I'm going to write his number on a sticky note...put it in my wallet...but delete his number out of my phone...He did tell me twice to lose his number...

Oi...aside from all that, Lori and I are going out for sushi tonight! I'm excited because I've never had it!!! But I'm not looking forward to be grumpy...I think I just really need a beer right now...

SOMEONE GET ME A COLD ONE!!! GUINNESS PREFERABLY!!!

Healthy ideas....healthy habits....hmmm????

Seems odd that we base a lot of our lives off of what we eat and how we eat and what we do after we eat and before bed and when we wake up and yada-yada-yada...

Well, I see the point in all those things...but wouldn't it just be easier to go back to the basics??? Back to the whole grains, fresh fruits and veggies, free-range what not....

Then we wouldn't be worrying so much about the newest pesticide that we're ingesting...or the amount of this inorganic substance we're exposed to...blah blah blah (those interjections seem to be a theme this post).

I'm about to give up on food...haha. Okay, not really..but I'm tired of all the hype!!! I just want to eat what I eat and not worry about getting fat!!!! I'd love to be able to go and work out...but hey! They charge up the ball sack for that shiznit!!! That's not cool either! I'm not going to pay $35 a month just for me when my parents have a couple membership that costs them $50 and my dad doesn't even go!!! Eff that..I'm stealing his entry card and going by myself after hours!!! I just decided!!!!

Also, I've tried the whole eating 6 times a day thing..and that never quite worked for me. I just ended up hungry allllllllllll damn day!!! So now, I try to wake up at a decent time...eat something for breakfast...and then I'm usually grabbing a sandwich on my way out the door to work...dinner isn't until like 7 hours after that!!! How in the hell does one keep their metabolism going when they don't have a normal 9-5 job?! The things people want us to do just aren't quite as possible as their little desk-job minds think they are!!!!

Alright, I think I've done plenty of ranting....

Drunken times with Cattle Haulers

Look at that title....only in Colorado is that really going to happen!!!! haha

Sarah is bartending at this new bar in Evans...so I went down there to chill!!! Well, ended up making friends with 3 cattle haulers while there!!! Awesome time!!!

I dont even know really where to start...except one was pretty much the coolest!!! Which is kind of horrible to say...cause well...I guess it's not horrible..as much as odd...but yeah, he is 37 years old...a bit old for me..hmmmm...

But anywho..this "older" guy...sat and talked to me forever...and actually spent almost an hour on the phone with Miles talk to him about trucks...which sort of killed my moment with both of them... :\ oh well..

Anyhow..so I'm home now...about to pass out..and can't really type so well...I'm learning that the backspace button is my best friend!!! :)

Soooooooo g'night!!! :)

Oops..forgot this was here!!!!

Sooo...I definitely forgot that I had this account until Jackie reminded me!!! Thanks girly girl! ;)

My newest endeavour involves moving..haha

I have a life plan now!!!!

I'm moving to Laramie, Wyoming in December. Once there, I'm going to attend UW and finish my teaching degree in English. :)

How does that sound????

Other than that, I've just been working away...

My love life is crazy as of late. My divorce is final..finally...and I've kind of broken it off with Miles...but only to move onto Mick. But Mick and I aren't officially anything and we've only hung out once...but he's probably coming down this weekend...so that'll be good! He's a fun guy!!! :)

Okay, I need to finish getting ready for work so I'm not late!!!! :) I promise I won't forget about this again!!!!