Thursday, December 17, 2009

Mini-vacation, doctors, and feelings of inadequacy...

Well, my little mini-vacation was awesome!!! It was sooooo nice to be at home! I really, really, REALLY loved it...like so much that (I can't believe I'm going to say this) I would love to be a stay at home mom!!! I'd probably keep my job and just work the minimum hours needed to get the work done (like 3 hours a day) so that I can keep my sanity and have some fun money! But, honestly, my house looks amazing...I feel much more rested...and I just feel more complete when I'm given time to be at home.

My doctor's appointment went well! Sarah went with me and she was soooo excited the whole time, it was really cute! They weighed me and somehow in all my french fry fiending I've lost 3 lbs! The doctor said she wasn't too concerned about it because I don't need to gain but around 15 lbs...but as long as it doesn't continue to go that way! I know I don't eat enough food as it is...and I'm trying to increase that! But also, I thought of this afterwards, I'm not as constipated as I once was...so I think that has A LOT to do with it! :) Anywho, we then got to hear the heartbeat again (Sarah's favorite part) and it was around 146...slowing even more than last month!!! Which, according the wives tales, means it's probably a boy! My next appointment is Jan 12 and hopefully we'll schedule the ultrasound to find the gender at that point!

Now...lastly, its kind of a touchy subject in my relationship, but it has been on my mind alllll day today! Steven loves me...for me...as me...etc. I don't doubt that. But now that I'm pregnant he seems to compare me to his ex-wife a lot! I understand that's his only experience with the whole thing and of course there's going to be some comparisons...but the way he tells me things always makes me feel like I have to be just like her! I know I'm cranking and bitchy and all-together not a nice person to him a lot of the time..and he always reminds me that he told me that I won't be able to be comfortable sleeping, that I won't be happy at all for a few more weeks, etc.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm not her..and I really don't want to be her...I want to be me...and I want the chance to be me and be pregnant without feeling like I need to be as strong as she was...or as nice as she was...blah blah blah. I don't really know how to tell Steven this sort of thing...I know he means well, he really really does...but it hurts my feelings a lot because I want to feel like I'm going through this the first time just the way I'm supposed to. Not feel like I do..like I'm not allowed to be the way I am because she wasn't...

Now I'm just being redundant...whatever...

2 comments:

Paulina said...

Well, I think you should talk to him about how you feel.. It's so much better to talk about how you feel, instead of keeping it inside and start to build up anger.

Jackie said...

Agreed