Dating??

Well, in my spur of financial trouble I've chalked on something more. I'm really not sure why I've done it...I think it's to console myself.

I've joined with All About Singles here in Colo. They take personality tests and what not and match you to people quite similar to you.

Sunday, I had a date with the first guy! He was a super nice guy..but certainly more of the type that if I ended up with him I would feel like the man in the relationship. They say to give the person 3 dates. Just so you can see how they really are... *sigh* I wish this were easier...

I think the hardest part is how I'm going to tell my parents that I'm paying nearly $900 for the next year to be matched on blind dates... I hope something productive comes of this!!!

I need to think about my ideal guy... If I get some sort of intuitive list going, then I can e-mail it to the matchmakers and they can see what I'm really really looking for. They have some sort of idea..but I should really look deep down and see...

-Work Ethic... Not just constantly working, but really takes pride in what they do and knows that they earn every penny.
-Intelligent... Can hold a great conversation when called for but not revolve life around useless knowledge. (Nor be classified as dorky...no problem with these people at all, but I find that I'm better friends with them than romantically interested)
-Good looking... Not in the typical, societal sense, but rather that they take care of themselves and it in turn makes me want to take care of myself. (Make me want to look good as well and be proud to be seen with them)
-Has humor... I find no reason in going through life constantly cynical or upset. Everyone has their down times but save them with a smile. (I'm the kind of person that will never give a serious gift card, I always want to make someone laugh)
-Hardworking... Willing to do the grunt work when needed. Doesn't mind getting dirt on his pants and grease on his face. (I don't want to feel like the "man" in the relationship because I enjoy the dirt and grease)
-Goal-oriented... Isn't just settled into the life he currently has. People should always aspire to something more than where they are, otherwise, what's the point in living?
-Must love cats... Truthfully, they're a huge part of my world. I can't count how many times I've been upset and/or crying and it's comforted me just to pet or hold my cats.
-Traveler... Not afraid to explore the world. Seeing the world really opens a person's eyes to the things they have and the things they're missing. (Plus, I've lived in another country before..and would love to visit all my friends, and not alone)
-Common Interests... Not to the point where we're completely alike, but where we can both have input in a conversation. (I'd like to have sparks of understanding as well as a chance to learn something new)

I'm not particularly sure if I'm missing anything else at this point..

I do understand that these things can't be set in stone. People aren't perfect and acceptance and understanding are a huge part of life. Therefore, these are just things that create some interest from me.

Maybe this is me...???

Do you ever feel like you're about to lose everything all at once?? You take a deep breath, or swallow hard, and it feels like every part of you is just collapsing...

For some reason, I'm there again...

I'm not really sure why. But I'm feeling like things are going in a very fast downward spiral and I'm in a losing battle.

I wish there were a way to openly know myself..and to understand the issues that I face every day. But I can't even pinpoint the things going on in my mind when I'm not feeling this way.

I think rambling isn't helping...I"m going to stop....

Why I can't seem to do things for myself...

So, my plan before involved living with Lori..and if I don't, then she has to figure out what she's going to do for next year and her living situation. This makes me feel like a complete a** and I just want to say "screw what I want" and move up there anyway!

For some reason, that's the way my mind works. I do everything for everyone else and forget what I need and what I want...

I want to go to school...
I want to move away...
I want to be with people that love me...

But where are they??? Where are my friends?? Where is my calling for school???

I haven't a clue...

Part of me wants to teach..but part of me just wants to work my tail off for the rest of my life...

The whole problem is in today's society everyone pretty much needs a college degree anymore. But why just waste the money and go to school without getting something that is applicable to the rest of life??? I'd love to study English....teaching...philosophy...but where would I really use those majors??? I understand the whole thought process of having a major in something counts...but at the same time, why be bored and have no motivation while going to school just so you have a piece of paper that isn't going to matter to you?! Seems like an awful waste of money....

On top of all that, being married and divorced once in my life already really throws a wrench into things. I want more than anything to have some sort of future. The sad part is, I'm not sure that I'll ever get married again. I'm not sure that I want to. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life..but that sort of self-assurance and unattachment can seem pretty appealing as well. My dad and I talked about that last night as well. We have a few family friends that have either been married and divorced or never married..and they're able to use their money for themselves and do whatever it is they want.

I don't know...I feel like this is all pointless again....

I think I'm just going to work my tail off and save money and move somewhere....Start life over...Become the crazy cat lady...

Pulling at the Heart Strings...

So, I had this plan....
I was going to work my tail off...save money...move to Laramie...go to school at UW...live with Lori...but I'm thinking its all changing again... :(

After talking with my dad over and over and over again, we've come to understand how important a college degree is. But also, how ridiculous it would be to go and get one when you have no motivation to really go. I mean, I want to be a teacher...but I really don't have a passion for it now. Therefore, it would be nearly impossible for me to want to go to school...and so on and so forth.

I guess what I really need is somewhere to go...somewhere I fit in...

Now...I think I'm back to square one where I'm just working my tail off...saving money...and taking my vacations to Boston and Alb or where ever I want to go!!! I might even just skip those and save extra money and up and move somewhere.....

Hmm.........

Weekend Vacation...

Kind of funny how my plans to spend day down in Denver turned into the whole weekend! :)

I left on Saturday about noon to head down and pick up my friend and head over to the Art Museum. Well, when I got there my friend was very hungover so we just hung out for a bit. We ended up going to dinner, seeing a movie, and hittin' Old C's for drinks and trivia. There was 3 of us and it was a lot of fun! :) A definite break from the people I'm normally around! After that, we ended up playing Wii until all hours of the morning and the next day (Sunday) slept allllll day. Finally, we got out of bed around 4pm and headed out again. Hitting the movies a second time and then Old C's again for drinks and trivia.
The time was flying yesterday and the next thing I know, my friend and I are sitting in my car and he's singing me a million songs and I was just enjoying every second of it! After a couple hours, we were heading up the mountain to Evergreen!
I spent last night in Evergreen with my friend...and well, it's a beautiful place! I loved just waking up to the fresh air and the mountains! ;)

So..that was a much much much needed vacation and I loved it!!! Good places...Good company...Good times!!!

Not sure...

There's something heartwarmingly simple about finding a peace within yourself. That strength to once again write because you feel whole...almost.

I had this urge just now that everything seemed right. I haven't text Miles in about a day and for some reason I don't need to. I wonder how he's doing, what he's up to, but I find no reason in asking. I find that for some reason, tonight, I'm self-sufficient!

It's hard to explain...really hard to explain. I wish I had the words to define the feelings I'm having. I want ever so much to find that person that just gets me. Not just listen and they state, "I know how you feel" without so much as an explanation to why they would even remotely understand. It just leaves everything so blank...and I'm afraid that's all I seem to have gotten lately.

With the prospects of tomorrow, I'm wondering if I'll find someone that will hold something in me upward rather than down. I'm not in need of love anymore. I need myself first and foremost..but I am in need of reliable friendship. That's it...-reliable-.

I want friends that will listen...promote...and encourage. And not just on their own time...truly care enough to stop by and say HI or to text me asking what I'm doing rather than me always initiating everything.

Okay, I'm not really sure where this is going anymore...but in all that blunder, I simply realize I want -reliable- people in my life...

Social Sabbatical Days 4, 5, and 6....

Well....Hmm.....
I'm not sure where to start. I've done nothing really... On Tuesday, I kind of broke the sabbatical and went to the bar with Miles to hang out with Sarah and Steven. We had a good time. Then last night, Wednesday, Miles came down again but we ended up taking a little road trip to Laramie and back and then he went home because it was beginning to snow. So, I guess these past few days have been more of a selective sabbatical than anything.

In other news, I've been suffering from a horrid rash. It comes and goes like the wind but it's super bad when its here! :( I break out in red spots and then they grow into large bumps on my skin...and then they go back down to red spots that have stayed for days. My mom told me this morning that when I was younger she always knew when I was going to get sick because I would break out in a rash. So, that's the current diagnosis: viral rash. I just hope that it continues to get better instead of worse at this point. Last night, it was all over my entire back and shoulders and then it was on my sides and a little on my face. Today, my back is super itchy and I have a few little spots on my arms, legs, and sides. *sigh*

Okay, going back to the selective sabbatical and hanging out with Miles. He comes down to get away from his life up in Laramie. The funny thing is, and I don't think he knows this, but it helps me to have him around because we always laugh and pick on one another. I really do like having him around and at this point, I can't wait to move up to Laramie so then we can hang out a lot more! And I can be there for him more immediately. I just hope that even though I'm there he won't want to always just leave. We'll see...that's a whole 11 months away!

I want to just sleep right now....