Motherhood Knot Tattoo

Last night, I got my Celtic Motherhood knot..and I LOVE it! :)

Easter is coming and Marlee loves chocolate...here's the proof:

In other news, it's hard being a single mom. I'm not sure how I do it every day. I think it's because I don't think past the present right now. I'm going day to day and I know it's hard on the people around me. Each morning I have to find care for Marlee and I should be thinking ahead and letting people know...but I can't. My brain just isn't working that way...

I wish there was a dummy manual for it all...anyone know of one!?

I feel complete...

Experiencing life as a single mom is quite the adventure. The shock of all the bad things that have gone on behind my back has worn off and I'm ready to just live my life! Marlee is thankfully my side-kick and we have wonderful support from my dear friend and her godmother Lori.

We make up the 2 1/2 Women that they should have made a show about! We're so much cooler because we're not wrecked with drugs and alcohol! We're just funny! :)

Last night, I completed myself. I feel like a whole person after this and I never knew it would have that effect! I got Marlee's name tattooed on my wrist.

There are clovers on either side of her name.

It's an odd feeling...this feeling of being complete. I wish I knew how to explain it. But it's like all the bad that has been weighing on my shoulders has been completely lifted off! It's amazing!

Things can only go up from now because it's ME and MARLEE (and Lori, of course)!

MARCH!

I like the sound of MARCH. I'm ready for Spring.

To be rid of saying January or February is kind of refreshing. March is early enough in the year that you don't feel like everything is slipping away but yet its past those two awful first months of the year where you're trying to make sense of everything!

March will hopefully bring some peace to my life. Living as a single mom is hard and most nights I'm just exhausted both emotionally and physically. But I think I'm finding my niche now. I think I'm okay with being alone most of the time with Marlee! She really is the best!

March will also hopefully bring some personal goals. I hope to be out of the terrible 190's by the end of the month! Actually, I'd love to be 189 by St. Patrick's Day but I'm not holding my breath! I really just want to get a routine back in place! I need to set my alarm for 8 am and whether Marlee is awake or not get out of bed and get things started!

Marlee turns 9 months on Friday! I can't believe the time has flown by so fast! Before I know it we'll be celebrating her first birthday! I should probably start saving and planning for that now!

Here's to MARCH! Please be nice to me!

Fa-twit-space Me?!

Do you ever wonder how in the world people can basically "live" through social networking sites?!

I understand that in our fabulous 21st century it's almost normal to live our lives out on the internet.

I blog because it's easy on here and I enjoy other people reading what I write! So much for "diaries" these days!

But when someone threatens to delete me as their friend like it's going to hurt my feelings, I just laugh!!!

I think it's hilarious that so many relationships are based off a false reality!

There's no point to it...

None...

I'm on Facebook because I have friends internationally that I would like to keep in touch with. I'm rarely on MySpace anymore because it's become an advertisement haven and nothing too enjoyable. Twitter confuses the f**k out of me, so I don't even attempt much past logging in every 6 months and writing a "tweet" that says something along the lines of, "I still don't understand this silly website!"

In the end of all this, I'm sad to report I lost a Facebook friend this week...haha..who am I kidding?! I'm not sad at all!!! Because in reality here, it doesn't mean a darn thing to me! Whew...I'm glad I live in the real world!

Little Miss Marlee and Me

She's my little minion...

Productive mornings...

You know what I currently love more than anything (well, not more than Marlee of course!)!?

Productive mornings...

I love that when I get up and around by 8:30 am I am able to get the house cleaned, dishes done, food cooked for breakfast and lunch, showered and ready, all by 11:30am! It's amazing! Oh yeah, and I work out in there too!!!

It brightens my day so much!

Maybe the amazing weather we're having is to blame...I guess we'll get the test when the snow comes back! I hope it doesn't. I hope that silly groundhog was right and we're going to have Spring 6 weeks early!

This little girl wants some Spring-time outside love!

Photos...as promised! From January

Refreshing...

It's refreshing to down 50oz of water while I'm at work...

It's refreshing to start my day with oatmeal, peanut butter, eggs, and a banana...

It's refreshing to have Steven text back "Hello babe!" when I've simply sent "Hi"...

It's refreshing to see the sun sparkling off the fresh snow on a cold Colorado winter day...

It's refreshing to blog again...seriously...

This is all today! I can't believe how good it feels to be in the right place and right state of mind for the first time in a couple of weeks at least. I'm happy today. And that's BIG!

Marlee is struggling with a fever that we think is from her teething. I feel really bad for her but I'm secretly enjoying the extra snuggles because she just wants to cling to us. I just want that darn tooth to pop through so we can go back to playing "stand-up" and teaching her the wonders of moving!

I wanted to change my banner today. I wanted to add photos to this post. But alas, I've forgotten my memory card! Figures! I hope to remember tomorrow because I have a mess of very cute photos from the past few days! Marlee really loves the camera. I think the love is mutual!

Good/Bad Rollercoaster! AHHHH!

I'm so tired of this good day then bad day rollercoaster...

On a good day, I love thinking about Marlee and me carving the world out together! About me being the BEST role model she'll ever have because I'm strong and confident and giving her everything she wants and needs.

On a bad day, I want her to have essentially the "American dream". I want her to have her mom and her dad under one roof and happy together. I cry wanting this so bad...

I can't keep doing this rollercoaster. I need to really get the good days to take over and if things do work out in the "American dream" favor, then wonderful! If they don't, then that's okay too because I'm happy being a single mom!

I just want to get a handle on life as it is. It's going to be hard. It's going to be the worst time ever in my life, but at the same time I should be able to grow from this. Be the STRONGEST, HAPPIEST, HEALTHIEST version of me that I've ever known.

*sigh* I wish I thought like this all the time...

HAPPY 8 MONTHS!

My dearest Marlee is 8 months old today! I can't believe it's that time already!

I fail cause I don't have any recent photos of her on my computer...

I'm really a terrible paparazzi! I should work on this!

She's 19lbs...

In case you thought I was dead...

...I'm not!

I'm alive...in a whirlwind of craziness that is life! I can't believe the things I'm going through right now...

Relationship on the rocks...but not...all at the same time! I don't even understand it!

Marlee is a wiggling, moving, ball of brattiness! Spoiled rotten by her Daddy and her Grandma who pick her up the second she fusses! I guess I'm the "mean mommy" who lets her cry when I'm in the shower even! OH WELL!

I lost weight last week. 1.1 lbs...I lost weight this week. 1.3 lbs... I hope it still keeps coming off!

It's cold...snowy...wintery...wonderful! I love cuddling in my nice warm house! It's amazing! :)

*sigh* Life..so many ups and downs!

Are you inspired???

I haven't written in a while...

I haven't really been inspired...

I haven't even hardly taken photos...

Not even of Marlee...

I FAIL!

Anyone have some inspiration they could share with me????

30 Days of Truth: Day 7

In my life, people have come and go depending on my current situations. I've held onto a few very good friends over the years but no one has stood by me like my own Father. Sure, parents are supposed to be there for you, right? But my Dad has been my rock no matter what! I can curse at him, tell him everything, joke with him, and cry with him. He's always lent a shoulder to cry on and an ear to help me get through the rough times. Not only in bad, we've spent countless hours under and around cars in the shop working together to be nice and oily and dirty! Heck, I was 9 months pregnant on the ground helping to line up the bars so he could put a car on the lift! That's dedication! He's, most definitely, my BEST friend and certainly made my life worth every second!

30 Days of Truth: Day 6

SOMETHING YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO DO.

I hope that I never have to bury my daugther. I know every parent out there never wants to outlive their children! I don't think I could handle that!

Catching up!!! SORRY!

Life has been a bit crazy lately.





In the midst of finding sobriety again, my love is finding himself. We're working together and I think in the end we'll end up in a wonderful place...as a threesome...Me, Marlee, and Steven....





30 Days of Truth: Day 4





I have to forgive my boyfriend for his battles he's enduring. I tried so often to make everything his fault because he's an alocholic. But in hindsight, I probably made most matters worse by reacting the way I did when he fell off the wagon. The first time I remember screaming at him. And accidently punching him in the lip. This second time I stayed much calmer but did push him a few times out of anger. I know he's having a very hard time accepting what he's done. And I need to understand that this isn't just a situation. This is a disease and a battle that he has to work on himself. I forgive you Steven for being the strongest you can right now while dealing with the worst demon I know.





30 Days of Truth: Day 5

I hope to show Marlee the joy of travel. I grew up going on family vacations every summer. I was able to enjoy most of the Western United States because of this. It made me appreciate all the wonders around us and really love to travel! Not to mention, when I was 19 years old, I flew half way around the world to Ireland by myself to study for 3 months. It was simply amazing! I'd love to go back and see more of Europe and bring Marlee with me! Show her how fun it is to learn about other places and appreciate what we have here!

I want to add also this wonderful blog from an amazing woman: ONEder Fund Kelle Hampton is the author. She is also the proud mother of a soon to be one year old Down Syndrome daughter! Nella is beautiful! And I've followed her life thus far from about week 2. Amazing! I just want to spread the love and have you guys read at least this post. Maybe donate...maybe help such an amazing group of people!

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

I forgive myself for not finishing most of my goals in life. I had such strong aspirations when I graduated high school. I wanted so badly to become a teacher but when I realized how shy I was and that I couldn't stand in front of a classroom, I let that dream die. I let college die after that... I wanted nothing more than to be on my own in Portland, Oregon. Living my own life...but things happen... I ended up married, divorced, moved home, moved back out to my grandma's rental, living with a boyfriend, and then having a baby...FAR from any goal I had set! Alas, I forgive myself...life never really goes how we want it to and I need to cherish what I do have and what I have been through!