Wow...

So, over the last two days I've had rollercoaster of emotions revolving around the future of my family.

Events unfolded that almost ended in Steven moving out.

We made a plan instead. I came up with some boundaries that would be feasible for us both to follow and we're going to really work on this!

I love this man soooo much! I can't imagine my life without him. In fact, for the past two days I've been an anxious, depressed mess just thinking about it! Not good folks! I think the cortisol has really kicked in! BOO!

Alas, time will only tell how things will really turn out...but until then: WOW...what a crazy 2 days!

Tuesday Torture!

Okay so it's not really torture anymore! :)

Last week's weight: 191
This week: 189

Who's excited?! I'm excited!!!

Last night, Steven worked and Keque went to the bar to watch the football game. So, I had the house to myself. Well, with Marlee of course but she was sleeping. So, I popped in a workout DVD and sweated my butt off for 60 minutes doing The Biggest Loser Workout 2.

Another point to note: I'm only 4lbs from my Halloween goal of 185 and I still have like 4 weeks to do it! That means, hopefully, I'll be surpassing it! Which would make everything so much easier and much more exciting! Haha

In other news, Keque was unable to get a license here in Colorado because California still has a hold on his from his DUI 3 years ago. So, he's leaving on Tuesday, moving home, and finishing all his classes and paying his fine. I can't say I'm disappointed he's leaving. I'm ready to have my family back. But in the same breath, I know Steven will miss him and he was like a live-in babysitter...which kind of helped sometimes! Now, the next time he comes back, he'll probably just drive all his stuff and do it the right way! Thank goodness!!!

I'd be lying if I said I'm not going to miss him...

That being said, I'm going to chow down some cucumbers and a tuna sandwich and be on my way! :)

Happy Torture-less Tuesday!

Maybe someday...

Today was Steven's second court hearing for his DUI. We got yet another continuation so that we can get an attorney. Now we're still on a waiting game...

Next week is his hearing with the DMV though and I'm hoping that does go well. As in, he gets a restricted license. If he doesn't, then I'm really not sure what we'll do! I guess we'll figure it out at that point!

I'm thinking I need a "mommy day" one of these days! I really love having Marlee with me (she could come with me) but I'm super tired of being with the boys all the time! It gets super old just watching movies, playing poker, and playing Wii. It's time for me to go shopping (or at least window shopping), get a coffee, sit in the bookstore for hours, etc.

*sigh* That does sound like the perfect day...I could even sit in the children's section of the bookstore and read Marlee books!

Maybe someday...

Photography Blog...

I'm going to start doing sessions with some people I know to develop my photography.

In the meantime, I've created a blog that will strictly hold photos from the shoots I do. Currently, it has some that I have taken over the past few months.

Check it out!

Kendra Payne Photography

Checkin' In...

Well, folks! I finally have a good report to give you! I'm down 2 lbs! 191!!! I know, it's a tiny, little bit compared to the rest of my goal (and what I should weigh...darn being short) but it's a start, and I'm excited!

I've been tracking my food on an Excel Spreadsheet. I like this much better because I can keep it to myself as much as I want...and I don't have to log into anything! haha (Maybe I'm just lazy...)

I've drafted some small goals. They seem doable...and I'm really not afraid to NOT meet them...but it sure would be nice to finally meet a goal! Soooo...here's my idea:

185 by Halloween
179 by Thanksgiving
170 by Christmas
168 by New Years

That will give me a 25lb loss before the new year...sounds awesome to me! :)

Some more good news on the homefront, Steven has a job!!! YAY!!! He is doing security at a club/bar. It's part-time technically and minimum wage...but it's more money than what we had! Plus, it'll get him out of the house and give him his alone time that he is desparately needing!

Now...if the good things trend can continue to happen and we can get him a restricted license on the 29th when he goes to talk with the DMV...that would be awesome! One thing at a time, I guess...

Evaluations...

While catching up after the weekend on the blogs I subscribe to, I read this one today: How in the hell do I... and decided that I need to think about these things too! (By the way, check out this girls blog and look for her photography cause she's awesome!)

It's time for me to do things that really make me happy. Stop making others happy first and foremost! Heck, be selfish for once Kendra!

Recently, my happiest moment was taking a short (seriously, like 5 minutes) walk on Sunday morning. It was just Steven, Marlee, me, and Hercules. We watched as Hercules bounced around with a softball in his mouth and Marlee squinted at the sunshine when it whizzed past my head and into her face. Steven reached over and put his arm around me in an embrace I always cherish. We walked the "long" way around the lot in order to prolong our walk and just enjoy the warmth of the day.

I like simple...I like family...

Along with that, I used to really enjoy my job. It's easy, it's part time but pays well, and it's flexible if anything happens. But it's also boring, redundant, and lately been utterly "high school".

I always hint at photography...I think it would make me happier...

I loved school...I would love to go back...

I love culture...I would love to live somewhere that I could get a taste of real life...not just my country living I've had for 24 years now. (Save a couple tastes of life else where for approximately 6 months)

What makes you happy?

Words Aren't Needed...

You'll need chocolate after this one!

Why are people so cleverly creative?! I really want to know!

I'm surfing etsy.com and finding far too many simply perfect things! I want to knit...I want to crochet...I want to sew...hell, I want to paint!!!! Where the heck is my creative bug?!

Oh yeah, it's behind the camera...

I have photos to post...many...but alas, I've forgotten my memory card! Figures!

Yesterday, I was very sick! I never get sick. Seriously. Never. But something is in my system and I just want to shoot myself in the head! (okay, sorry, that was a bit dramatic) This weak feeling that has overcome me is getting really ridiculous! I don't feel like I'm really functioning at all. And yesterday, my poor baby girl had to be barely touched by me! Not in fear of getting her sick, but because I didn't have the strength to even pick her adorable 14 1/2 pound body up! :(

Ooohhhh well!

Well, lets see...a couple more sad things in my life. My great aunt died a couple nights ago. She was 93 years old and was already in hospice...so it simply was a matter of time. Still sad nonetheless!

To top that off, my 17 year old cat that lived at my parents died yesterday! We don't know if he was already hurt or ill, but my mom accidently ran over him going into the garage. Bandit was usually very good at moving out of the way, so I believe something was already wrong. My dad told me tonight that his back legs wouldn't work and his shoulder was really messed up, so he had to shoot him! :( He's now resting in a grave near my home in Lucerne (where we layed to rest our 16 year old dog quite a few years back).

Hmmm....are you depressed now?!

Alright, go have yourself a slice of chocolate and put in a feel good movie! Tomorrow, I promise a happy post!

Check-in

As luck would have it, I had my appointment with a dietician today and it is also check-in day!

Now, since I haven't really been focusing on anything diet related at all...I'm at 194lbs and surely don't have a clue about my measurements!

But, talking with the dietician today, I have a game plan! I also have a follow up appointment on November 1st. That means I actually have to do this!!! I actually have someone holding me accountable beyond the computer (no offense to those of you out there supporting me not in person)...

Now...I just need to find that workout bug...where'd it go!?

Photos...thoughts...hell, lets just say "Stream of Consciousness"

Soooo I’ve decided that I really want to do some more photography, for other people…not just be paparazzi for my daughter! I think I need to start with some portrait work…now who is willing to give me their time?!

~~~~~

Here, finally, are photos from Marlee and my trip last weekend!

The rattle was a new thing and she loved having it during the car ride.

These "wind farms" grace the landscape across Wyoming.

Marlee's new faces...

A VERY proud great-papa!

Marlee's great-great-grandma Dorothy and Great-Papa

Still working on that tummy thing!

At great-grandma's house we all just sit around and chat...

Nom-nom-nom...

Look at those chubby little legs!

One of the most beautiful rosaries I've ever seen. Hangs on Great-grandma's wall and is hand-made.

Cuddling up with Grandma Regina so we can go on our walk.

The shadows of me, my mom, and my grandma as we took a walk one evening.

~~~~~

I'm hoping this weekend we'll head on over to our local Maurice's because I desparately need a new pair of black pants. Plus, I'd be delighted to find a few "staple" pieces that aren't falling apart like all my others! We shall see!!!

~~~~~

Ugh, I guess I'll bring up this one too, while I'm at it!

I'm going to get my weight loss jumpstarted...ESPECIALLY after seeing a few pictures of myself from last weekend and today!!! EW....sooooo....I'm going to be brave and post a couple here...

Soooo...I'm ready to get rid of this "look"!!!! (The 2nd pic is after just waking up...hence the mess of a face and hair!)

Hi..I'm here...

Well, had a very long weekend traveling to and from Idaho with Marlee and my mom. 10 hours one way...with a 3 month old...not exactly fun!

Marlee had a pretty rough time on the way out there. She did not like being in the carseat for so long! On the way home, she slept pretty much the whole way and I was able to enjoy the scenery!

I'll be sure to post some pictures of the trip soon!

Today, check in...hmmm...I guess I haven't really been trying at all. Life has been a little on the crazy side and we're still trying to figure out a routine!

What I really want to write about today is how I'm feeling right now. It's probably completely selfish and utterly unfair, but for some reason it's weighing pretty heavy on me right now.

So, we were gone for pretty much 4 days, right? I was constantly getting texts about how much Steven missed Marlee. Well, of course he's going to! She's usually with him all day long! Not a big deal...except he never really said that he missed me much...

And then, once we arrived home, he was cooking dinner and when he broke away from that he immediately went for Marlee. No big deal again...he missed her! Well, they did their little "daddy time" thing and whatever. But soon after, he went right back to cooking...like I wasn't even missed...

I actually had to prompt him for a kiss hello...

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm 2nd best to Marlee. Which, I am...okay, understood! But I don't want to be just plain forgotten like that...

I shouldn't have to prompt it...

Makes me sad...

And the Sitcom begins...

Marlee's grandma Dorothy (Steven's mother) was annointed as an officer for the Salvation Army this past weekend. Her middle son, Leroy, his wife, and daughter joined us for the ceremony and church. Here is a photo of Marlee, Grandma Dorothy, and Destany (who is 3 months older than Marlee..but they're the same size!!!!):


Look at that proud smile! :)

Our "sitcom" started this week! After court on Tuesday for Steven's DUI, he jetted down to Denver to pick up Keque from the airport. Our new roommate has arrived!!! And to be quite honest, it's fun! He and I get along great thus far and I see a new fun light in Steven's eyes every day! Here's a photo of Marlee and her "Nino":

Marlee, my mom, and I leave for Idaho tomorrow morning. I'm sooooooooo ready to get out of town! We're leaving all the men in our lives back here in Colorado to wreck havoc! Look out! ha!

I'll be sure to have tons of great photos once I'm back on Tuesday! We're visiting my Great Grandma and introducing her to her very first Great Great Grandchild! :)