Seriously changing me...

I'm employed bodybuilding.com and a new friend Ali as my inspiration and help for my body transformation. I WILL DO THIS! I can't keep telling myself that I'm going to do it and then don't. Ali is going to hold me accountable and ask me every day if I've done what I promised.

Today is DAY 1.

I've done what I promised (I believe). Ran 1 mile (well, almost the whole thing) and did 10 sets of 50 crunches. That's right, 500 crunches....whew!

My diet is going to be eggs and toast in the morning, salad for breakfast, and chicken and veggies for dinner. Keeping this strict!! Not going to falter! I CAN'T!

:)

Quality dating????

Is there such thing as quality dating???
I've had a couple dates with All About Singles..and they're nice people...but its the same story as online dating. No one seems to get that I'm mature...I've been married...I'm just looking for a quality relationship with someone. Someone that will adoringly look at me without thinking how I look without my clothes on.

I want someone to keep me intellectual company as well as physical company. Not really needing the sexual contact..but needing the comfort around one another to hold hands...to travel...to kiss on the forehead....to feel wanted in a deeper way....

I think I'm just talking nonsense now...

Thinking with change in my head..

The title kind of states two things: I'm thinking while counting money..so the amounts and the coin change are in my head...as well as...I'm thinking that I should make some serious..SERIOUS..changes in my life.

Yes, I've invested a fair amount of money into this dating thing..and thus far, it's been alright. I've only gone out with two people and have hung out with the second person a second time. As much as I hate the fact that I'm shelling out all kinds of money just to basically make new friends...I'm excited about it still! (not sure why)

The other funny thing is that I still have very honest, sincere plans to move to Portland in the next couple years!!! I HAVE to...not just WANT to..but HAVE to. I really need to get out of Colorado for an extended amount of time. Give myself the chance to really rely on only me as well. But again, I'm shellin' out the money for what then!?

*sigh*

I'm also wondering if it'd be worth it to kind of...well, become celibate... Its not like I NEED it...I'm just kind of there when it comes down to it actually...So...Hmm...Maybe I will...Probably actually...

Okay, sooo...PORTLAND, CELIBACY, SAVE MONEY! :)

Dating??

Well, in my spur of financial trouble I've chalked on something more. I'm really not sure why I've done it...I think it's to console myself.

I've joined with All About Singles here in Colo. They take personality tests and what not and match you to people quite similar to you.

Sunday, I had a date with the first guy! He was a super nice guy..but certainly more of the type that if I ended up with him I would feel like the man in the relationship. They say to give the person 3 dates. Just so you can see how they really are... *sigh* I wish this were easier...

I think the hardest part is how I'm going to tell my parents that I'm paying nearly $900 for the next year to be matched on blind dates... I hope something productive comes of this!!!

I need to think about my ideal guy... If I get some sort of intuitive list going, then I can e-mail it to the matchmakers and they can see what I'm really really looking for. They have some sort of idea..but I should really look deep down and see...

-Work Ethic... Not just constantly working, but really takes pride in what they do and knows that they earn every penny.
-Intelligent... Can hold a great conversation when called for but not revolve life around useless knowledge. (Nor be classified as dorky...no problem with these people at all, but I find that I'm better friends with them than romantically interested)
-Good looking... Not in the typical, societal sense, but rather that they take care of themselves and it in turn makes me want to take care of myself. (Make me want to look good as well and be proud to be seen with them)
-Has humor... I find no reason in going through life constantly cynical or upset. Everyone has their down times but save them with a smile. (I'm the kind of person that will never give a serious gift card, I always want to make someone laugh)
-Hardworking... Willing to do the grunt work when needed. Doesn't mind getting dirt on his pants and grease on his face. (I don't want to feel like the "man" in the relationship because I enjoy the dirt and grease)
-Goal-oriented... Isn't just settled into the life he currently has. People should always aspire to something more than where they are, otherwise, what's the point in living?
-Must love cats... Truthfully, they're a huge part of my world. I can't count how many times I've been upset and/or crying and it's comforted me just to pet or hold my cats.
-Traveler... Not afraid to explore the world. Seeing the world really opens a person's eyes to the things they have and the things they're missing. (Plus, I've lived in another country before..and would love to visit all my friends, and not alone)
-Common Interests... Not to the point where we're completely alike, but where we can both have input in a conversation. (I'd like to have sparks of understanding as well as a chance to learn something new)

I'm not particularly sure if I'm missing anything else at this point..

I do understand that these things can't be set in stone. People aren't perfect and acceptance and understanding are a huge part of life. Therefore, these are just things that create some interest from me.

Maybe this is me...???

Do you ever feel like you're about to lose everything all at once?? You take a deep breath, or swallow hard, and it feels like every part of you is just collapsing...

For some reason, I'm there again...

I'm not really sure why. But I'm feeling like things are going in a very fast downward spiral and I'm in a losing battle.

I wish there were a way to openly know myself..and to understand the issues that I face every day. But I can't even pinpoint the things going on in my mind when I'm not feeling this way.

I think rambling isn't helping...I"m going to stop....

Why I can't seem to do things for myself...

So, my plan before involved living with Lori..and if I don't, then she has to figure out what she's going to do for next year and her living situation. This makes me feel like a complete a** and I just want to say "screw what I want" and move up there anyway!

For some reason, that's the way my mind works. I do everything for everyone else and forget what I need and what I want...

I want to go to school...
I want to move away...
I want to be with people that love me...

But where are they??? Where are my friends?? Where is my calling for school???

I haven't a clue...

Part of me wants to teach..but part of me just wants to work my tail off for the rest of my life...

The whole problem is in today's society everyone pretty much needs a college degree anymore. But why just waste the money and go to school without getting something that is applicable to the rest of life??? I'd love to study English....teaching...philosophy...but where would I really use those majors??? I understand the whole thought process of having a major in something counts...but at the same time, why be bored and have no motivation while going to school just so you have a piece of paper that isn't going to matter to you?! Seems like an awful waste of money....

On top of all that, being married and divorced once in my life already really throws a wrench into things. I want more than anything to have some sort of future. The sad part is, I'm not sure that I'll ever get married again. I'm not sure that I want to. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life..but that sort of self-assurance and unattachment can seem pretty appealing as well. My dad and I talked about that last night as well. We have a few family friends that have either been married and divorced or never married..and they're able to use their money for themselves and do whatever it is they want.

I don't know...I feel like this is all pointless again....

I think I'm just going to work my tail off and save money and move somewhere....Start life over...Become the crazy cat lady...

Pulling at the Heart Strings...

So, I had this plan....
I was going to work my tail off...save money...move to Laramie...go to school at UW...live with Lori...but I'm thinking its all changing again... :(

After talking with my dad over and over and over again, we've come to understand how important a college degree is. But also, how ridiculous it would be to go and get one when you have no motivation to really go. I mean, I want to be a teacher...but I really don't have a passion for it now. Therefore, it would be nearly impossible for me to want to go to school...and so on and so forth.

I guess what I really need is somewhere to go...somewhere I fit in...

Now...I think I'm back to square one where I'm just working my tail off...saving money...and taking my vacations to Boston and Alb or where ever I want to go!!! I might even just skip those and save extra money and up and move somewhere.....

Hmm.........