Kendra Payne

Dear City Girl...

2012-02-07T13:24:00.002-07:00

I love you.
I love how chic you make even going to the corner store seem.
I love how culture just radiates from your daily life.
Oh City Girl, I want to be you.

Much (heart aching) Love,
The Lost Country Girl

Yep...I'm struggling.
I've been "city" before. My 3 month stint in Dublin, Ireland only gave me a taste of what I long for!
I tear up every time I read a post from someone living in a city somewhere.
I'm yearning for a life that I feel happy in...

This isn't it.

But I'm here for at least 3 years. Face the facts, I need a career before I make bold moves. My daughter deserves that much.

Sadly, my dad told me on Friday that he would be disappointed if I moved Marlee away from him!!! How in the world am I ever going to get where I want to be if I have that on my tails?! Ugh, Dad, do you know how much that hurt?? **sad face** At least, I know he loves us.

Screw this, I'm going to search apartment listings in all the major cities I'd love to be in!!! I need something to help me get this out of my system for the time being!

Portland...
Denver...
Seattle...
New York City (probably not, but, sure)...
Boston...

That'll do for now...

Nia Cuff Heel Boot - maurices.com

2012-02-06T15:29:00.001-07:00

Nia Cuff Heel Boot - maurices.com (clipped to polyvore.com)

Rock Around the Colorblock Wedge | Mod Retro Vintage Wedges |...

2012-02-06T13:33:00.001-07:00

Rock Around the Colorblock Wedge | Mod Retro Vintage Wedges |... (clipped to polyvore.com)

Bernie Dexter dress

2012-02-06T13:31:00.001-07:00

Bernie Dexter dress (see more flower dresses)

Ring

2012-02-06T13:28:00.001-07:00

Ring (see more leaf jewelry)

I vow...

2012-02-03T15:26:00.002-07:00

To be more active!

And with this vow, comes fantastically fun 5k's!!!

Like this one:

The Color Run: Colorado

Now, I must be honest, I'm not a runner. I suck at running. BUT, I'm willing to give anything a try. Last year I ran my first 5k. I believe it took me 45 minutes. Which isn't too bad. But I'd love to be even more fit and ready to do this one so I don't feel like I'm just dragging my friend behind me!

So, alas, comes yet another workout plan!

Maybe with a goal like the 5k itself, I can manage to get something going...

Can I live a city life in the country???

2012-01-30T14:40:00.004-07:00

So, after a slight addiction to Polyvore in the last 2 posts...I'm back with words...

I'm wondering if I can carefully harness my artistic, city side regardless of living (I'm not kidding) in the middle of the country! Granted, I do live in a "town"...it's unincorporated...but the streets aren't paved and there's a field behind that loves to blow it's silly corn husks right on into my yard!

I don't want to deny my country roots...who would!? Makes me hard working, confident, and just a little rough around the edges.

What I do want is to add in some quirky colors...interesting hair choices...funky accessories...and my camera!

I want to wear funky socks...

Big rings...

Flowers in my hair...

Scarves...

Big floppy hats...

Big sunglasses...

Then I want to take photos...

In Black and White...

In Color...

Of Marlee trapsing through life...

Of odd things I see in town...

Of artistic quality...

Is it possible?! I mean, if you read this a know where I live, would it really be hard for Greeley/Lucerne, Colorado to be a little bit more city and a little less country!?

Side note: I read today that Denver, CO is #5 on the city list for staying YOUNG! Heck yeah, come graduation from college...I'm totally moving to Denver!

Speaking of college...turns out all my classes from 7 years ago are still going to count! Check off one year of classes!!! WHOO!!!

Marlee plays Angry Birds :)

Casual Spring

2012-01-23T15:45:00.001-07:00

Casual Spring by kendra0119 featuring printed scarves

Jane Norman cream shirt
£16 - janenorman.co.uk

KATE HILL cuffed pants
$22 - lordandtaylor.com

Mia Limited Edition wedge heels
$50 - dsw.com

Salvatore Ferragamo printed scarve
£137 - theoutnet.com

10 x Tiki Eclectic Stretch Bracelets at Accessorize
€9,90 - accessorize.com

Country Chic

2012-01-23T15:32:00.001-07:00

Country Chic by kendra0119 on polyvore.com

- Francesca's Collections -
$44 - francescascollections.com

- Francesca's Collections -
$48 - francescascollections.com

Frye Boots
$218 - thefryecompany.com

- Francesca's Collections -
$13 - francescascollections.com

It's been far too long...

2012-01-23T14:39:00.002-07:00

This blog has been sorely neglected. It makes me slightly sad. I was not in a place over the last 9 months to keep up with it. But now I'm asking myself to find me...

With that, I'm going to seek out my artsy-fartsy little person inside...

She's into mismatched outfits, gaudy jewelry, and crazy amounts of books...

She's going to streamline her house and get rid of the things she's hoarding for no reason at all...

Yep...simple life...

I look forward to it! I look forward to nurturing Marlee in a life that we don't need every bit of technology under the sun!

Also...I'm going back to school...

Social sciences with a minor in psychology!

I want to be a social worker someday...

Yep...me...

She's coming out...

Oh and she's definitely losing this dumb weight...

KENDRA reborn...

Motherhood Knot Tattoo

2011-04-13T15:00:00.004-06:00

Last night, I got my Celtic Motherhood knot..and I LOVE it! :)

Easter is coming and Marlee loves chocolate...here's the proof:

In other news, it's hard being a single mom. I'm not sure how I do it every day. I think it's because I don't think past the present right now. I'm going day to day and I know it's hard on the people around me. Each morning I have to find care for Marlee and I should be thinking ahead and letting people know...but I can't. My brain just isn't working that way...

I wish there was a dummy manual for it all...anyone know of one!?

I feel complete...

2011-03-24T13:55:00.002-06:00

Experiencing life as a single mom is quite the adventure. The shock of all the bad things that have gone on behind my back has worn off and I'm ready to just live my life! Marlee is thankfully my side-kick and we have wonderful support from my dear friend and her godmother Lori.

We make up the 2 1/2 Women that they should have made a show about! We're so much cooler because we're not wrecked with drugs and alcohol! We're just funny! :)

Last night, I completed myself. I feel like a whole person after this and I never knew it would have that effect! I got Marlee's name tattooed on my wrist.

There are clovers on either side of her name.

It's an odd feeling...this feeling of being complete. I wish I knew how to explain it. But it's like all the bad that has been weighing on my shoulders has been completely lifted off! It's amazing!

Things can only go up from now because it's ME and MARLEE (and Lori, of course)!

MARCH!

2011-03-01T14:01:00.002-07:00

I like the sound of MARCH. I'm ready for Spring.

To be rid of saying January or February is kind of refreshing. March is early enough in the year that you don't feel like everything is slipping away but yet its past those two awful first months of the year where you're trying to make sense of everything!

March will hopefully bring some peace to my life. Living as a single mom is hard and most nights I'm just exhausted both emotionally and physically. But I think I'm finding my niche now. I think I'm okay with being alone most of the time with Marlee! She really is the best!

March will also hopefully bring some personal goals. I hope to be out of the terrible 190's by the end of the month! Actually, I'd love to be 189 by St. Patrick's Day but I'm not holding my breath! I really just want to get a routine back in place! I need to set my alarm for 8 am and whether Marlee is awake or not get out of bed and get things started!

Marlee turns 9 months on Friday! I can't believe the time has flown by so fast! Before I know it we'll be celebrating her first birthday! I should probably start saving and planning for that now!

Here's to MARCH! Please be nice to me!

Fa-twit-space Me?!

2011-02-22T15:45:00.002-07:00

Do you ever wonder how in the world people can basically "live" through social networking sites?!

I understand that in our fabulous 21st century it's almost normal to live our lives out on the internet.

I blog because it's easy on here and I enjoy other people reading what I write! So much for "diaries" these days!

But when someone threatens to delete me as their friend like it's going to hurt my feelings, I just laugh!!!

I think it's hilarious that so many relationships are based off a false reality!

There's no point to it...

None...

I'm on Facebook because I have friends internationally that I would like to keep in touch with. I'm rarely on MySpace anymore because it's become an advertisement haven and nothing too enjoyable. Twitter confuses the f**k out of me, so I don't even attempt much past logging in every 6 months and writing a "tweet" that says something along the lines of, "I still don't understand this silly website!"

In the end of all this, I'm sad to report I lost a Facebook friend this week...haha..who am I kidding?! I'm not sad at all!!! Because in reality here, it doesn't mean a darn thing to me! Whew...I'm glad I live in the real world!

Little Miss Marlee and Me

2011-02-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

She's my little minion...

Productive mornings...

2011-02-16T15:06:00.002-07:00

You know what I currently love more than anything (well, not more than Marlee of course!)!?

Productive mornings...

I love that when I get up and around by 8:30 am I am able to get the house cleaned, dishes done, food cooked for breakfast and lunch, showered and ready, all by 11:30am! It's amazing! Oh yeah, and I work out in there too!!!

It brightens my day so much!

Maybe the amazing weather we're having is to blame...I guess we'll get the test when the snow comes back! I hope it doesn't. I hope that silly groundhog was right and we're going to have Spring 6 weeks early!

This little girl wants some Spring-time outside love!

Photos...as promised! From January

2011-02-11T14:53:00.002-07:00

Refreshing...

2011-02-09T16:02:00.002-07:00

It's refreshing to down 50oz of water while I'm at work...

It's refreshing to start my day with oatmeal, peanut butter, eggs, and a banana...

It's refreshing to have Steven text back "Hello babe!" when I've simply sent "Hi"...

It's refreshing to see the sun sparkling off the fresh snow on a cold Colorado winter day...

It's refreshing to blog again...seriously...

This is all today! I can't believe how good it feels to be in the right place and right state of mind for the first time in a couple of weeks at least. I'm happy today. And that's BIG!

Marlee is struggling with a fever that we think is from her teething. I feel really bad for her but I'm secretly enjoying the extra snuggles because she just wants to cling to us. I just want that darn tooth to pop through so we can go back to playing "stand-up" and teaching her the wonders of moving!

I wanted to change my banner today. I wanted to add photos to this post. But alas, I've forgotten my memory card! Figures! I hope to remember tomorrow because I have a mess of very cute photos from the past few days! Marlee really loves the camera. I think the love is mutual!

Good/Bad Rollercoaster! AHHHH!

2011-02-08T12:59:00.002-07:00

I'm so tired of this good day then bad day rollercoaster...

On a good day, I love thinking about Marlee and me carving the world out together! About me being the BEST role model she'll ever have because I'm strong and confident and giving her everything she wants and needs.

On a bad day, I want her to have essentially the "American dream". I want her to have her mom and her dad under one roof and happy together. I cry wanting this so bad...

I can't keep doing this rollercoaster. I need to really get the good days to take over and if things do work out in the "American dream" favor, then wonderful! If they don't, then that's okay too because I'm happy being a single mom!

I just want to get a handle on life as it is. It's going to be hard. It's going to be the worst time ever in my life, but at the same time I should be able to grow from this. Be the STRONGEST, HAPPIEST, HEALTHIEST version of me that I've ever known.

*sigh* I wish I thought like this all the time...

HAPPY 8 MONTHS!

2011-02-04T16:08:00.000-07:00

My dearest Marlee is 8 months old today! I can't believe it's that time already!

I fail cause I don't have any recent photos of her on my computer...

I'm really a terrible paparazzi! I should work on this!

She's 19lbs...

In case you thought I was dead...

2011-02-04T16:05:00.002-07:00

...I'm not!

I'm alive...in a whirlwind of craziness that is life! I can't believe the things I'm going through right now...

Relationship on the rocks...but not...all at the same time! I don't even understand it!

Marlee is a wiggling, moving, ball of brattiness! Spoiled rotten by her Daddy and her Grandma who pick her up the second she fusses! I guess I'm the "mean mommy" who lets her cry when I'm in the shower even! OH WELL!

I lost weight last week. 1.1 lbs...I lost weight this week. 1.3 lbs... I hope it still keeps coming off!

It's cold...snowy...wintery...wonderful! I love cuddling in my nice warm house! It's amazing! :)

*sigh* Life..so many ups and downs!

Are you inspired???

2011-01-28T16:04:00.002-07:00

I haven't written in a while...

I haven't really been inspired...

I haven't even hardly taken photos...

Not even of Marlee...

I FAIL!

Anyone have some inspiration they could share with me????

30 Days of Truth: Day 7

2011-01-14T15:07:00.002-07:00

In my life, people have come and go depending on my current situations. I've held onto a few very good friends over the years but no one has stood by me like my own Father. Sure, parents are supposed to be there for you, right? But my Dad has been my rock no matter what! I can curse at him, tell him everything, joke with him, and cry with him. He's always lent a shoulder to cry on and an ear to help me get through the rough times. Not only in bad, we've spent countless hours under and around cars in the shop working together to be nice and oily and dirty! Heck, I was 9 months pregnant on the ground helping to line up the bars so he could put a car on the lift! That's dedication! He's, most definitely, my BEST friend and certainly made my life worth every second!

30 Days of Truth: Day 6

2011-01-12T15:25:00.001-07:00

SOMETHING YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO DO.

I hope that I never have to bury my daugther. I know every parent out there never wants to outlive their children! I don't think I could handle that!

Catching up!!! SORRY!

2011-01-11T16:09:00.005-07:00

Life has been a bit crazy lately.

In the midst of finding sobriety again, my love is finding himself. We're working together and I think in the end we'll end up in a wonderful place...as a threesome...Me, Marlee, and Steven....

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

I have to forgive my boyfriend for his battles he's enduring. I tried so often to make everything his fault because he's an alocholic. But in hindsight, I probably made most matters worse by reacting the way I did when he fell off the wagon. The first time I remember screaming at him. And accidently punching him in the lip. This second time I stayed much calmer but did push him a few times out of anger. I know he's having a very hard time accepting what he's done. And I need to understand that this isn't just a situation. This is a disease and a battle that he has to work on himself. I forgive you Steven for being the strongest you can right now while dealing with the worst demon I know.

30 Days of Truth: Day 5

I hope to show Marlee the joy of travel. I grew up going on family vacations every summer. I was able to enjoy most of the Western United States because of this. It made me appreciate all the wonders around us and really love to travel! Not to mention, when I was 19 years old, I flew half way around the world to Ireland by myself to study for 3 months. It was simply amazing! I'd love to go back and see more of Europe and bring Marlee with me! Show her how fun it is to learn about other places and appreciate what we have here!

I want to add also this wonderful blog from an amazing woman: ONEder Fund Kelle Hampton is the author. She is also the proud mother of a soon to be one year old Down Syndrome daughter! Nella is beautiful! And I've followed her life thus far from about week 2. Amazing! I just want to spread the love and have you guys read at least this post. Maybe donate...maybe help such an amazing group of people!

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

2011-01-04T16:42:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself for not finishing most of my goals in life. I had such strong aspirations when I graduated high school. I wanted so badly to become a teacher but when I realized how shy I was and that I couldn't stand in front of a classroom, I let that dream die. I let college die after that... I wanted nothing more than to be on my own in Portland, Oregon. Living my own life...but things happen... I ended up married, divorced, moved home, moved back out to my grandma's rental, living with a boyfriend, and then having a baby...FAR from any goal I had set! Alas, I forgive myself...life never really goes how we want it to and I need to cherish what I do have and what I have been through!

Spreading HAPPINESS...

2010-12-31T16:32:00.001-07:00

I think this idea would be wonderful!

I think I should write out a bunch of inspirational sayings and leave them on mirrors and windows in public places...randomly...anonymously...

Check this out:
operation beautiful

30 Day of Truth: Day 2

2010-12-31T14:53:00.001-07:00

Simply stated, I love that I love to learn. I love my curiostiy. I love my yearning to find something new and interesting every single day! Like just now, I watched a kettlebell infommercial because I didn't really know how you worked out with them. Or every day I look up the calories to things I don't know so that I can be better educated on my journey. I love that I want to be a perpetual student (even though funds don't allow for that and I'm not actually in school at the moment). I wish I could earn one degree and just keep going...degree after degree after degree! I have friends who think I'm ridiculous because I'll rattle off random facts...I guess I know a little about a lot these days..because I love to learn. I love that I love to learn.

30 Days of Truth...

2010-12-30T15:01:00.003-07:00

I'm hoping that by writing these things out I can kind of "fix" myself a little.

Times have been tough lately...

Steven falling off the wagon again...

Being essentially a single mom after 8pm every single night...

Not enjoying any of the little things anymore in my life...

And I really just want to crawl in a hole and die as of late!

I'm hoping that time will give me the strength to pick up everything and move away. Seriously. I need out from under my family's watch. I love living next door to my Grandma. And I love seeing my Dad nearly every single day. But I can't sneeze wrong without someone calling...or stopping by...or asking each other about it! I feel like I'm the family gossip and I'm tired of it! If they want to talk and wonder what I'm doing, then they need to just leave me out of it! I can't handle it anymore...

So, alas, I needed something. And a friend on Sparkpeople.com decided to direct me to these truths...maybe they'll help...I hope they'll help...

I hate that I have no self-confidence. I hate that my arms jiggle, my ass is dimpled, and my stomach hangs. I hate that my hair is a rats nest most days because I'm too lazy to do anything but put it in a messy bun. I hate that I can't live life to its fullest because of the choices I've made. I hate that I loved traveling so much that I almost miss it to the point that I want to give up everything. I hate that I resent the fact that I have the most amazing daughter in the whole wide world that keeps me grounded. I hate that I don't want anything to do with anyone some days because I can't stand to even look at myself. I hate that I hate so much...

I hate that my life revolves around whether I'm anxious and depressed each day or not. I hate that I can't fix it when I am.

I think that's enough hate for one person...

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T13:38:00.002-07:00

Despite the overwhelming turn my life has taken the past two days, I am in the best mood today! The Christmas season has something amazing to it...

It's hard when someone you love goes through turmoil and hardship that creates drastic changes. We will get through this fall though. Steven is stronger than he gives himself credit for and I'm going to stand by his side as he makes the appropriate changes.

It's Marlee's first Christmas. I know at 6 1/2 months she won't remember what has happened but I will enjoy her grabbing for every paper and bow! And the photos, oh the photos...I'm going to be her personal paparazzi! :)

Much love everyone!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Taylor Swift - Haunted

2010-12-23T16:38:00.002-07:00

For some reason this song resonates with me. My current situation is fitting...I wish it wasn't...but it is...

[Verse 1]You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and its all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And its comin' over you like its all a big mistake

Holding my breathe, won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted
Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

[Verse 2]Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I say to you
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishin he was you instead

Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again
Something keeps me holding on to nothing

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted
Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

[Bridge]I know, I know, I just know
You're not gone, you can't be gone
No

[Chorus]Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone can’t go back
I’m haunted

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it

Christmas-time! Wish there was snow...

2010-12-21T16:40:00.003-07:00

Worry, Snow, and DADA!

2010-12-16T14:31:00.004-07:00

Is there a point where us, as women, stop being insecure and crazy about stupid little things?!

I think it's in my nature to worry over who is looking in my direction, what they're thinking, and whether or not my boyfriend is noticing!

I don't want to be the girl that people see and think to themselves, "What does he see in her!?" Steven told me that I'm ridiculous to think this way...

I probably am...

~~~~~~~~~~

With the promise of some snow yesterday, I was excited that we might get a little moisture, my bloody noses would stop, and it would feel like December in Colorado. But they lied. It barely spit on us and it seems to be back to our sunny Fall weather instead of nearly Christmas-time weather!

I really don't know how to deal with this...

I feel like I don't live in Colorado currently...

UGH!

~~~~~~~~~~

Marlee very clearly says DADA now! It's cute! I love listening to her talk. And now I'm attempting to teach her MAMA...that way she can eventually associate them with the right people and we can mark it in the book!

Or should I mark it in the book that her first word is DADA..she doesn't know what it means...I don't know how this stuff works!

Weight-less journey...

2010-12-14T16:01:00.002-07:00

I'm not sure when this journey will start...I feel like it has already but it's not being shown very well on paper!

My mind is made up...
I have all the right mental tools...

Now it's time for action!!!

And with that action, I've joined a challenge on Sparkpeople.com. It's the Rachel_Mac Progress Picture Challenge! I have to post weekly progress photos in blog posts.

I'm not really scared about showing my mostly naked body out there...but more just scared I won't change week to week and I'll be a failure!

~~~~~~~~~~~

I also did some calculating via some BMR/RMR calculators available out there on the 'net. Here's my findings:

Current BMI: 34 Healthy BMI: 24.9 and under
Current Weight: 192 Healthy Weight: 140

Current BMR/RMR: 1671/1590
Healthy BMR/RMR: 1446/1354

On another site, current BMR: 1583

According to all these numbers, I will need a 506 calorie deficit each day for one year to lose the 52lbs I need to. 758 calories for 8 months for the same result.

Now I'm doing some investigating and some asking of questions because I don't really understand what to do with all these numbers...
Once I learn, I will blog!

I hate days like this...

2010-12-13T15:41:00.002-07:00

Do you ever have those days where you doubt every last thing about yourself?!

I'm living in one right now...

I think I've cried about 10 times now wishing I was something more beautiful than I am!

It's silly, really! There's no point in making this stress for myself...for my relationship! I constantly compare myself to the girls in Steven's everyday life. I don't want to. But I do.

Steven has spent the last 2 years building up my self esteem. He's done a wonderful job! I've grown within myself as well as started taking care of myself outwardly. It's nice.

I admire the trials and tribulations that Steven has endured. I've put him through so much crap while I swam in a pool of self-loathing...

It's ridiculous...seriously...

Happy little tree...

2010-12-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

We're now ready for the holiday season...finally!

Dear Weight-loss goals:

2010-12-10T15:02:00.001-07:00

SUCK IT! I don't care if I don't reach you!!! I'm happy with the lifestyle I've embedded into my head! I'm happy that I'm eating right and staying remotely active!

And guess what numbers on the scale?! The inches are coming off instead!!! So HA!

Thanks,
The Slowly Shrinking Girl

Who could resist these faces??

2010-12-10T00:57:00.001-07:00

My loves...Steven and Marlee (6months)

Look out world!

2010-12-08T16:56:00.001-07:00

I think she could be a cowgirl...

Food Obsessions...

2010-12-07T13:22:00.001-07:00

I like to eat...

Nah, I LOVE to eat...

But somewhere in my body, it hates to burn what I eat...

What do I do about this?!

Well, nothing right now...but I'm thinking that I should really get on it! Start calculating input and output...get things evened out..

How???

Oi...I'm off to google...

6 Month Stats...

2010-12-06T14:32:00.003-07:00

My Little Miss turned 6 months this past Saturday! Can you believe it?!

Today was her doctor's appointment. She was given 4 shots...to which she was a champ about! I about died though when I was holding her really tight and she was looking at me with that wide-scared-mouth-open-eyed look...like she knew something was coming! As far as I know, she's doing alright right now! :)

Her stats:

Birth: 7lbs 8oz, 20 1/4inches long, 14inch head

Now: 16lbs 14oz, 26 3/4inches long, 17.3inch head

My little chubby girl....with a big head...haha

Her weight and height are in the 75th percentile. And her head is in the 90th percentile! It's all those brains shes developing!

BIRTH DAY JUNE 4, 2010

THANKSGIVING NOVEMBER 25, 2010

I'm the MOM...

2010-12-03T15:14:00.002-07:00

Growing up, my mom always bought gifts for everyone! She was so good about it! She also bought things to give to people from us and we never really knew what we were giving people. Was kind of like extra fun to have!

Well, now it's my turn to be the mom...and I suck...

Finding Wii Fit Plus with the Balance Board for $85.00 on walmart.com this last weekend was awesome! So, we jumped on it and well...bought it. It's my Christmas gift from Steven. I paid for it...he says he'll just pay for his gift and Marlee's with the money he owes me.

Well, with that being said, that seems like a dandy idea. Except I feel selfish.

I got exactly what I want but he can't get what he wants...because I don't have the money to get it for him right now.

And Marlee...oh Miss Marlee! It's her first Christmas...and I have nothing for her. I have no idea what to get her either!

I almost want to wait and see what everyone else gives her and then go get her something AFTER Christmas...but then what is she supposed to tear open or have under our 2 foot, silver tree????

I feel like I completely suck at life right now...and it hurts...

I'm supposed to the the MOM...

Photo-Op!

2010-12-01T13:52:00.002-07:00

She's kind of gangster and its ok!

Workout DVD Junkie!

2010-11-30T16:39:00.002-07:00

I'm addicted! I see new ads for home workout DVD's every single day and I have to watch their little infomercial videos!! I'm so intrigued by it all!!!

So, I'm making a list of the ones that I really want:

P90X Who doesn't absolutely want this one?! I mean, look at the results!!!
ChaLEAN Extreme It's like the "girly" version of P90X from what I get...
Insanity Do you see a trend?! This one, I already love Shaun T. from Hip Hop Abs :)
Bob Harper Inside Out Method Who wouldn't love to watch Bob workout and burn some calories yourself!?

Of course I'll probably find more tomorrow when I'm surfing the 'net! But that's a pretty good list thus far.

I understand that everything always promises the BEST results...but it's really your diet as well as just staying active. So, don't freak out thinking that I'm just looking for a quick fix. I'm not. (Even though it would be nice!)

For now, I have sitting at home, collecting dust, these fabulous DVD's:
Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred
ENVY Girls
Hip Hop Abs
Tae Bo (on VHS)
10 Minute Solution: Kickbox Bootcamp
10 Minute Solution: Fat Blasting Dance Mix
Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown

I think that might be it....there's probably more! haha If you have any questions about those that I do have, let me know! :)

Goals...maybe?

2010-11-30T14:30:00.001-07:00

While checking in on HYC just now, I was thinking what could I really say about my journey thus far???

I've been "trying" to lose weight for quite some time. Somehow, I always find EXCUSES that get in the way of success!

Sure, it's a common problem with most people and I really just need to suck it up, but all in all, I think I'm more scared than anything.

I've never really accomplished a goal for myself.

I remember in high school constantly knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I knew perfectly the path I was going to follow..and I knew what it would take to get there.

That changed about a year into college. I jetted off to Ireland and was still working on my teaching degree. That was my main goal: become a teacher. I came home from Ireland and a semester in Nebraska and got married. That definitely wasn't in the plans...I didn't think I'd really ever get married...

Maybe it was for the better...I was divorced just over a year later!

After getting married, I changed my degree path to computer aided drafting...

Ok, it's still school...it's still a degree...but it's definitely not what I thought I'd be doing!

That ended when I ran out of money...

Now here I am, in a part time job, with no degree...and really no hopes of going back to school any time soon...

I guess that's the biggest goal I never achieved that has always lurked in the back of my head!

I don't want weight loss to join that one and just pull me down...

Measurements

2010-11-29T15:58:00.002-07:00

I did measurements today because it is 30 Day Shred Day 1!

Starting Weight: 194...yes, I know it's high...but that's because I have a snacking problem. And I usually end up eating something salty before bed...which makes me retain water over night...boo!

Waist: 43"; Natural Waist: 38.5"
Hips: 48"
Right Thigh: 27.5"
Right Arm: 13.5"

Ew...

This is the last week of the first half of Marlee's life (does that make sense?). I can't believe come Saturday she'll be 6 months already! It's amazing how time flies!

Along with this milestone, she has figured out how to flop forward from sitting, push her legs out from underneath her, squirm on her tummy some, and then flip to her back! I wish she'd spend more time on her tummy and figure out how to move her arms with her legs and at least rock!

I know, all you mother's out there are yelling at me saying "NO, don't wish for that! Love when they are immobile!" Yeah, I should...but I don't. I can't wait for her to start crawling...walking...running!

Thanksgiving recap...

2010-11-26T14:19:00.002-07:00

The day started out just as all days do. Sleeping until the very last second that I can when Marlee starts to really get mad in her bed! Then I gather her up and do the usual boob, diaper, play...

I switched on the t.v. after my shower just in time to see Jessica Simpson sing, nah lip-sync, her song (they all do, don't get offended) in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I did more getting ready and came back to the t.v. as good ole Santa Claus appeared! OFFICIAL START TO THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!

Once we were all showered and ready to go, me in my jeans and sweater, Steven in his jeans and t-shirt (surprise surprise), and Miss Marlee in her pink leggings and brown dress with pink polka dots (it's a 9month size...she's almost 6 months..), we headed to my mom's!

At my mom's we enjoy the usual food suspects. Nothing fancy.

Marlee was the highlight of the dinner table though. She tasted some Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes, and Orange Jello! This girl was a drooling machine! Not to mention, after she confiscated my spoon from me, she was a hammering machine! Loud...as...ever! Loved it!

I must also put that that girl LOVED sweet potatoes!

The rest of the day was spent napping and watching Marlee be her crazy self!

I love Thanksgiving naps...

Well, I'll leave you with Marlee being silly via a photo from Papa (Paul Moloney), Marlee's great-grandpa!

HERE WE GO!

2010-11-24T15:23:00.002-07:00

I guess you could say I've jumped on the bandwagon! Okay, that's not fair..because the other people involved are really working their butts off..literally! But, needless to say, I've joined yet another weight loss challenge/journey/blog/forum/whatever...

While I love Sparkpeople , I do want something else. I always seek for supplementation...get all I can out of every resource available!

So, I joined the Healthy You Challenge via Scale Junkie.

I'm adding this to my other list of:
Daily Burn
Calorie Count
Fat Secret

And there's probably more...

I just hope one day I can reach my goals! For now, I'm stuck at 190lbs and I'm about to start Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred...again....

The holidays are among us...

2010-11-23T16:05:00.002-07:00

This time of year makes me look at my house and realize how sad it is around the holidays! I have ZERO Fall/Thanksgiving decorations to put up...and I have a minimal Christmas ones! Granted, the house is only 420 square feet...I still want it to become warm and cozy and beautiful this time of year!

On that note, I think I need to find a hobby. A crafty hobby. Something that really feeds my soul and keeps me out of the fridge! Any ideas????

Just call me Betty...Betty Crocker...

2010-11-16T17:27:00.002-07:00

Tonight marks the second night in a row that I shall attempt to cook dinner by myself!

This is a feat folks...

I've never really known how to cook...

Last night I made a Sausage Pasta Bake...that was delicious!!!

Tonight I'm attempting an Easy Paella...

Steven has told me that me cooking is "hot"...hot as in the kitchen/oven warms up the entire house?!? Nope, hot as in it gets him hot and bothered to have a woman cook him good food...odd! But I love him nonetheless!

Dear Paella,

I hope that I don't ruin your easiness. I know that you're going to belong warmly in my stomach and I'm hoping my taste buds don't have a different idea!

From,
Your dearest, new BETTY

Photos!

2010-11-12T16:59:00.007-07:00

The main point of the photos lately is that Marlee has decided this past week that she's going to sit up on her own now! Thank goodness! Now if she could just learn to roll over! haha

Something must have been very interesting...
Who doesn't love those eyes?!

This is Marlee's innocent face ;)

Attacking Nina's nose!!! Oh the dangers of being a godmother!

Haha...I just love it!

Someone kick her out of my head!

2010-11-12T14:43:00.003-07:00

Have you ever been so comfortable in your own skin that it's dangerous?!

Yes, it's good to be confident at any size...

But my confidence is turning into laziness!!! Ugh...

I've been stuck in the 188-191 range for about a month now! I can't handle it anymore! At least if I was at like 180 and stuck, I could say I've lost all my pregnancy weight..but nope. I'm stuck...at an awful point...and I just want past it!

The key to getting past it...working out! Enter Queen-of-all-excuses! Yep, she's sitting her content, fat butt in my head and not letting me move. I'm so disappointed in myself...

I have 2 weeks to bet at 184...I want to reach my mini goals so bad...

Someone help me kick her out of my head!

Mobile posting...yes Marlee's toes are painted!

2010-11-11T17:00:00.002-07:00

Testing the mobile blogging! I feel so tech savvy!

Water...in many forms...

2010-11-11T15:55:00.002-07:00

I decided last night that humidifiers are amazing. Marlee was able to sleep for 9 hours straight and breathe the whole time because of the moist air floating around her room!!!

Oh, and we got a new water heater this morning...

I'm so glad that my grandma is my land lord...

And I'm so glad I don't own a home yet! I don't think I could handle things like the water heater going out...or even patching holes in the walls! Which I'm going to have to do anyways...

**shakes fist** Darn you temper and having the insane ability to create holes in the walls!

A few thoughts...

2010-11-09T16:12:00.002-07:00

I know I've lacked in my blogging lately...but I'm a-mess with thoughts.

I've decided I want to write my own book. I'm not sure it would ever get published, but I feel I need to write out how I feel about being a mom. I guess we'll see when this gets off and running and how I really feel about it then!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm wondering what it would be like to actually have all my mental motivation come true. I've got all the right tools...the right skills...everything...to achieve my weight loss goals. But I let life take hold. I let the fact that when Steven is home we do nothing but sit around control my workout schedule. I don't know what it is, but I'm embarrassed to workout in front of him.

I asked him today if he would do some Yoga with me so that I wasn't stuck alone...but he told me no. I'm not sure what to do.

I can't go out and do my walks/jogs right now because we just got our first snow of the season...it's cold...and I keep getting sick!

I meet with a nutritionist about every 2 weeks...this should motivate me, right?! Yeah, it doesn't.

I log my food every week day (I don't weekends because I don't have computer contact) and I still eat 1900+ calories every stinkin' day!!

I'm at a loss...and not a good one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a rainbow striped box at home by the heater. Inside is my laptop. The one that has died..and I'm not sure if I can save it. The one that has ALL my photos from my study abroad in Ireland. The one that I loved having! But otherwise, I don't remember what else is in there... Maybe I'll do some treasure hunting and dig into it tonight... I hope there's something really good in it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Babyfood cook!?

2010-11-04T16:26:00.002-06:00

Marlee eats...a lot...she loves food! (Must be hereditary!)

Well, since I can't seem to keep up with my breastmilk, we've always supplemented with formula. She'll eat boob as long as I'm around and otherwise have some formula to hold her over in the afternoons.

This doesn't seem to be completing it for her. She's still downing an 8oz bottle every chance she can get and always could go for more! Granted, I don't want to over-feed my child..but I certainly don't want her to think she's starving!

Soooooo...I'm going to try my hand at making some homemade rice cereal. I saw it done on 19 Kids and Counting the other night and I've thought over and over again about doing my own baby food anyways!

Well, I think it's going to be really easy...

1/4c rice (we're going to use brown rice for the health benefits)
1c water

1. Boil water - add the "powder" ("Powder" is ground up rice)
2. Simmer for about 10 minutes whisking constantly
3. Add breastmilk or formula
4. Serve warm

I think my cooking expertise (which extends no further than my elbow) can handle this! What'cha think?

Halloween weekend...

2010-11-02T17:24:00.003-06:00

Well, Halloween weekend was essentially a total bust! Steven worked the whole darn thing and I sat at home watching t.v.! Lori accompanied me (which makes it much more bearable).

On Halloween evening we took Marlee over to my parents and Steven's mom's to trick or treat in our costumes. We also walked up my parent's street to about 8 houses. Just enough to get Marlee out and about but also get us a little bit of candy! haha

Here's our little BUG:

Why did the chicken cross the road?! Because he was shopping with his family!

Group shot! (Wish my mom would have done a long one so you could see our entire outfits...but oh well!)

And simply because we're strange....

Dear...

2010-10-29T13:45:00.002-06:00

Dear Little Kids on the Sidewalks,

I'm sorry that Steven is such a nut and is wearing a giant chicken costume 2 days before Halloween. I know it might be a little frightening, but he really is just trying to make people laugh!

Understanding completely,
Kendra

Dear "Awww"-ers in the stores,

Yes, Marlee is ABSOLUTELY adorable in her ladybug costume, but didn't you see that I had the ladybug wings and antennae on too!! We match!!! Isn't that worth something!?

Slightly jealous,
Kendra

Dear Silvermine Subs employee,

Thanks for making a super delicious sandwich for me today, but I must let you know I'll never eat it again! One, there's a lot of onions on it. I don't really like onions. Two, it has 1011 calories and 69 grams of fat! I know, I'm disappointed too. But I just can't find it in myself to eat that again!

Forgive me,
Kendra

Why was it so hard??

2010-10-28T16:54:00.000-06:00

I did something the other day that I didn't think would actually be hard...

I sorted through Marlee's clothes...boxed up the ones that don't fit her anymore!

It was really hard...like seriously, wanted to cry hard...I don't know why!

Luckily, I'm passing the clothes onto friends that will definitely cherish them and enjoy them...but I'm sad their not hanging in our closet anymore... *sigh*

The stupid things that happen to us mothers...haha

Wish I wasn't sick...

2010-10-26T17:17:00.002-06:00

Tuesday...forgot to weigh myself this morning...I'm kind of afraid to check it! I got really excited with that 187 and I really don't want to fluctuate above it! Oh well...I'll look soon!

Sick, I hate being sick. I REALLY hate being sick while breastfeeding. I can only take pain relievers like Tylenol and those don't do diddly for a congested head! What I wouldn't give for a dose of Sudafed!

Halloween is approaching...Marlee and I are going to be Ladybugs! I'm rather excited about it!

Steven is going to be a giant Chicken!

Thursday we're talking about going to karaoke and a little costume contest for a couple hours but Steven won't have the chicken costume yet. So, he'll probably dress like a girl....haha! I guess we'll see!

I love rain!

2010-10-22T17:50:00.001-06:00

It's been raining off and on today... I love it...

Weighed in at 187lbs...that's right 1-freakin'-87!!! That means I could possibly meet my original Halloween goal of 185...

As it stands now, I've surpassed my new Halloween goal of 188. I re-evaluated them because I wasn't going to let myself fail! So, I changed my overall goal for 20lbs by the New Year rather than 25lbs. But with this week's loss...I'm thinking I just might be able to do it! We'll see!!!

Darn those boobies!

2010-10-20T16:22:00.002-06:00

One of my main goals that I set for myself as as mommy is to breastfeed for Marlee's first year. Well, I'm not sure that's going to happen. Unless by some miracle my milk comes back to me!

It's dwindling...a lot. I don't know if it's from the Depo shot, from my eating, from my not having any pre-natal vitamins right now, or what....but I'm scared!

I really don't want it to all go away. I'll feel like I've failed Marlee.

Steven's right though...the other day he told me that I'm just comparing myself to his other kid's mother. She breastfed for FOREVER for Ryan and Trinity...I guess I don't want to let Steven down either...

Ugh...

Darn these stinkin' boobies! Why can't they just be producing enough for Marlee!? Oooohhhh well...

PHOTOS (Con't from 1st blog for today)

2010-10-19T16:20:00.005-06:00

This is going to be long...

2010-10-19T16:14:00.002-06:00

Okay, so here's the deal...I had a doctor's appointment this morning and I switched birth control from the depo shot to the mini pill (while breastfeeding). Truthfully, I'm excited because I should...get it should...be able to lose more weight now! The dreaded depo shot likes to make you gain weight! Luckily, I was able to maintain...technically lose like 3lbs...while I was on it! But 3lbs in 3 months...that's horrible odds! So now Pill here I come...and you better work for me or I'm going to just be abstinent! Sorry Love, but I can't handle the weight anymore and we're not ready for another baby!

On that note, I weighed in at the doctor's office and I'm at 190...still...I have like a week and a half that I wanted to be at 185...figures...I'm not going to make it! I think I'll re-evaluate my goals now...give myself some more time...we'll see! Wish I could have made 25 lbs lost by New Years!

Okay, Photos: (I should have uploaded these before I wrote my blog...cause now I'm going to have to move everything around and delete spaces.....AHHH Eff-it...I'm going to make a 2nd post)

Soooo, photos on the next post folks!

I ran out of time..

2010-10-18T17:07:00.001-06:00

Sorry folks..I have a mess of photos to post and I've run out of time for the day!

Tomorrow...I PROMISE!

Babies and football...

2010-10-15T17:40:00.002-06:00

I finally posted my Transformation Photos. They're in a separate page on this blog...click up above to check out how "phat" I am! HA!

This weekend seems like it's super full of things to do!

Tonight, I'm hanging out at a friends...it'll be nice to be out of the house instead of just twidling my thumbs!

Tomorrow, I have a candle party with my mom in the morning...then I'm going to go dancing with some friends while Marlee spends some time with Jaime! :) (Thanks again Jaime!)

Sunday, we're going to head down to Aurora where Steven is going to play full-contact flag football...I'm a little anxious to see how these boys play! It'll be with with some fellas he hasn't seen in about 8 years and used to play semi-professional football with!

After that, on Sunday, we'll head to Parker to visit Shanna and Andy and see brand-new baby Joseph!!! I'm looking forward to introducing Marlee to all her cousins! I think it'll be fun!

Soooo...YEP!

Oh, and the whole posting photo thing...yeah, I keep forgetting my memory card...

PS...I suck at life! ha

What does Mommy mean?

2010-10-14T17:18:00.002-06:00

After a few conversations today, I want to know what does Mommy really mean??

Does this mean a woman who has given up all rights to dance about because the child is screaming on the bed and just wants to be held...

Does this mean someone who sleepily walks from her bed to the crib to put the pacifier back in the babies mouth in hopes she'll fall right back to sleep and you won't actually have to wake up...

Does Mommy mean laughing at the silly sounds that come from the babies throat and forgetting what its like to laugh at a dirty joke instead...

Does it mean you workout during the late hours of the night because that's when 30 minutes is uninteruppted and all you want is to be outside running and not squatting in your living room...

I just want to know when Mommy is going to mean all these things PLUS being a social asset, a cleaning fairy, a gourmet cook, and an excellent lover!

Could someone let me know when to expect all these things to exist together?

It's Tuesday again!?

2010-10-12T18:43:00.001-06:00

Man, these weeks are certainly flying by! I can't believe it's time to check in again!

Well, I'm still on that silly plateau that I hate...

Standing steady with 189 in my back pocket!

Someone crush that bitch! Ha...185 needs to be my friend by HALLOWEEN and I'm really scared it's not going to happen!

I need my first goal to happen...or I'm going to fall off the wagon!

Lazy...maybe...

2010-10-08T16:36:00.001-06:00

Steven's first paycheck comes tonight. And he keeps saying how we might go to Centerra (mall) tomorrow or even maybe the mountains again! I don't care either way...I'm just looking forward to family time for the first time in over a month!!!

We had our extra occupant. Which, was no problem at all, but it got a little on the crowded side sometimes. I really missed just having my happy 3-some of me, Mr, and Bug!

I have photos to share...from our mountain trip last weekend. And a few others..but I'm kind of being lazy..and kind of avoiding making a mess in my office with cords and what not! We're doing some renovating...and heck, it's crazy enough without me trying to edit photos in the midst of it all! :)

So, probably next week folks!

Needless to say...I'm about to super jump myself into high gear! I'm 3 weeks away from my first goal of 185...and I'm 4lbs away!!! "Sure, you've got time Kendra!", you're all thinking! But I don't!!! Ha...I really want my goals to happen this time! REALLY REALLY REALLY!!!

Who says PJ's aren't real clothes?!

2010-10-06T16:19:00.002-06:00

Steven has called me twice now just to tell me how cute Marlee looks in her little sleeper she got from Grandma "Goo" (Regina...she aptly named herself this by saying that Marlee's goo was really her trying to say grandma...so we made it a joke and I'm afraid its sticking in my head...oh and she's my mom).

I wish we had footy pajama's that we could just lounge in all day long...

Really, we have had Marlee out in public a few times today too...but she's still in her sleeper! Nice, cozy, warm...

I'm jealous!

Operation HOT MAMA!

2010-10-05T16:35:00.003-06:00

Ha, okay, so I was tired of calling today "Tuesday Torture". Sure, it's a little painful some weeks...but lately, my mind is made up and I'm sooooo game to make this work for me!

I'm at a stand-still.

Last week: 189
This week: 189

This isn't necessarily a bad thing...

It's that "time of the month"! Oh dear ole Aunt Flo...you always wreck something!

After reading Jaime's blog, I think I'm going to make a TRANSFORMATION PHOTO page...that way I can SEE how things are going...maybe that'll put some more fire under my butt!

Ok, but back to the blog title. I'm going for Operation Hot Mama...because well, one of my main motivators is that I don't want to be a bad influence for Marlee. I want her to see that it's good to be active and healthy! I don't necesarily want to be SKINNY...but I want to be HEALTHY! Get it!? Mmmkay...

Here's to another week down!

Wow...

2010-09-30T19:18:00.001-06:00

So, over the last two days I've had rollercoaster of emotions revolving around the future of my family.

Events unfolded that almost ended in Steven moving out.

We made a plan instead. I came up with some boundaries that would be feasible for us both to follow and we're going to really work on this!

I love this man soooo much! I can't imagine my life without him. In fact, for the past two days I've been an anxious, depressed mess just thinking about it! Not good folks! I think the cortisol has really kicked in! BOO!

Alas, time will only tell how things will really turn out...but until then: WOW...what a crazy 2 days!

Tuesday Torture!

2010-09-28T16:17:00.002-06:00

Okay so it's not really torture anymore! :)

Last week's weight: 191
This week: 189

Who's excited?! I'm excited!!!

Last night, Steven worked and Keque went to the bar to watch the football game. So, I had the house to myself. Well, with Marlee of course but she was sleeping. So, I popped in a workout DVD and sweated my butt off for 60 minutes doing The Biggest Loser Workout 2.

Another point to note: I'm only 4lbs from my Halloween goal of 185 and I still have like 4 weeks to do it! That means, hopefully, I'll be surpassing it! Which would make everything so much easier and much more exciting! Haha

In other news, Keque was unable to get a license here in Colorado because California still has a hold on his from his DUI 3 years ago. So, he's leaving on Tuesday, moving home, and finishing all his classes and paying his fine. I can't say I'm disappointed he's leaving. I'm ready to have my family back. But in the same breath, I know Steven will miss him and he was like a live-in babysitter...which kind of helped sometimes! Now, the next time he comes back, he'll probably just drive all his stuff and do it the right way! Thank goodness!!!

I'd be lying if I said I'm not going to miss him...

That being said, I'm going to chow down some cucumbers and a tuna sandwich and be on my way! :)

Happy Torture-less Tuesday!

Maybe someday...

2010-09-24T16:53:00.003-06:00

Today was Steven's second court hearing for his DUI. We got yet another continuation so that we can get an attorney. Now we're still on a waiting game...

Next week is his hearing with the DMV though and I'm hoping that does go well. As in, he gets a restricted license. If he doesn't, then I'm really not sure what we'll do! I guess we'll figure it out at that point!

I'm thinking I need a "mommy day" one of these days! I really love having Marlee with me (she could come with me) but I'm super tired of being with the boys all the time! It gets super old just watching movies, playing poker, and playing Wii. It's time for me to go shopping (or at least window shopping), get a coffee, sit in the bookstore for hours, etc.

*sigh* That does sound like the perfect day...I could even sit in the children's section of the bookstore and read Marlee books!

Maybe someday...

Photography Blog...

2010-09-23T18:22:00.001-06:00

I'm going to start doing sessions with some people I know to develop my photography.

In the meantime, I've created a blog that will strictly hold photos from the shoots I do. Currently, it has some that I have taken over the past few months.

Check it out!

Kendra Payne Photography

Checkin' In...

2010-09-21T16:05:00.002-06:00

Well, folks! I finally have a good report to give you! I'm down 2 lbs! 191!!! I know, it's a tiny, little bit compared to the rest of my goal (and what I should weigh...darn being short) but it's a start, and I'm excited!

I've been tracking my food on an Excel Spreadsheet. I like this much better because I can keep it to myself as much as I want...and I don't have to log into anything! haha (Maybe I'm just lazy...)

I've drafted some small goals. They seem doable...and I'm really not afraid to NOT meet them...but it sure would be nice to finally meet a goal! Soooo...here's my idea:

185 by Halloween
179 by Thanksgiving
170 by Christmas
168 by New Years

That will give me a 25lb loss before the new year...sounds awesome to me! :)

Some more good news on the homefront, Steven has a job!!! YAY!!! He is doing security at a club/bar. It's part-time technically and minimum wage...but it's more money than what we had! Plus, it'll get him out of the house and give him his alone time that he is desparately needing!

Now...if the good things trend can continue to happen and we can get him a restricted license on the 29th when he goes to talk with the DMV...that would be awesome! One thing at a time, I guess...

Evaluations...

2010-09-20T15:23:00.004-06:00

While catching up after the weekend on the blogs I subscribe to, I read this one today: How in the hell do I... and decided that I need to think about these things too! (By the way, check out this girls blog and look for her photography cause she's awesome!)

It's time for me to do things that really make me happy. Stop making others happy first and foremost! Heck, be selfish for once Kendra!

Recently, my happiest moment was taking a short (seriously, like 5 minutes) walk on Sunday morning. It was just Steven, Marlee, me, and Hercules. We watched as Hercules bounced around with a softball in his mouth and Marlee squinted at the sunshine when it whizzed past my head and into her face. Steven reached over and put his arm around me in an embrace I always cherish. We walked the "long" way around the lot in order to prolong our walk and just enjoy the warmth of the day.

I like simple...I like family...

Along with that, I used to really enjoy my job. It's easy, it's part time but pays well, and it's flexible if anything happens. But it's also boring, redundant, and lately been utterly "high school".

I always hint at photography...I think it would make me happier...

I loved school...I would love to go back...

I love culture...I would love to live somewhere that I could get a taste of real life...not just my country living I've had for 24 years now. (Save a couple tastes of life else where for approximately 6 months)

What makes you happy?

Words Aren't Needed...

2010-09-17T17:44:00.004-06:00

You'll need chocolate after this one!

2010-09-16T18:27:00.002-06:00

Why are people so cleverly creative?! I really want to know!

I'm surfing etsy.com and finding far too many simply perfect things! I want to knit...I want to crochet...I want to sew...hell, I want to paint!!!! Where the heck is my creative bug?!

Oh yeah, it's behind the camera...

I have photos to post...many...but alas, I've forgotten my memory card! Figures!

Yesterday, I was very sick! I never get sick. Seriously. Never. But something is in my system and I just want to shoot myself in the head! (okay, sorry, that was a bit dramatic) This weak feeling that has overcome me is getting really ridiculous! I don't feel like I'm really functioning at all. And yesterday, my poor baby girl had to be barely touched by me! Not in fear of getting her sick, but because I didn't have the strength to even pick her adorable 14 1/2 pound body up! :(

Ooohhhh well!

Well, lets see...a couple more sad things in my life. My great aunt died a couple nights ago. She was 93 years old and was already in hospice...so it simply was a matter of time. Still sad nonetheless!

To top that off, my 17 year old cat that lived at my parents died yesterday! We don't know if he was already hurt or ill, but my mom accidently ran over him going into the garage. Bandit was usually very good at moving out of the way, so I believe something was already wrong. My dad told me tonight that his back legs wouldn't work and his shoulder was really messed up, so he had to shoot him! :( He's now resting in a grave near my home in Lucerne (where we layed to rest our 16 year old dog quite a few years back).

Hmmm....are you depressed now?!

Alright, go have yourself a slice of chocolate and put in a feel good movie! Tomorrow, I promise a happy post!

Check-in

2010-09-14T16:25:00.000-06:00

As luck would have it, I had my appointment with a dietician today and it is also check-in day!

Now, since I haven't really been focusing on anything diet related at all...I'm at 194lbs and surely don't have a clue about my measurements!

But, talking with the dietician today, I have a game plan! I also have a follow up appointment on November 1st. That means I actually have to do this!!! I actually have someone holding me accountable beyond the computer (no offense to those of you out there supporting me not in person)...

Now...I just need to find that workout bug...where'd it go!?

Photos...thoughts...hell, lets just say "Stream of Consciousness"

2010-09-10T16:44:00.008-06:00

Soooo I’ve decided that I really want to do some more photography, for other people…not just be paparazzi for my daughter! I think I need to start with some portrait work…now who is willing to give me their time?!

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Here, finally, are photos from Marlee and my trip last weekend!

The rattle was a new thing and she loved having it during the car ride.

These "wind farms" grace the landscape across Wyoming.

Marlee's new faces...

A VERY proud great-papa!

Marlee's great-great-grandma Dorothy and Great-Papa

Still working on that tummy thing!

At great-grandma's house we all just sit around and chat...

Nom-nom-nom...

Look at those chubby little legs!

One of the most beautiful rosaries I've ever seen. Hangs on Great-grandma's wall and is hand-made.

Cuddling up with Grandma Regina so we can go on our walk.

The shadows of me, my mom, and my grandma as we took a walk one evening.

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I'm hoping this weekend we'll head on over to our local Maurice's because I desparately need a new pair of black pants. Plus, I'd be delighted to find a few "staple" pieces that aren't falling apart like all my others! We shall see!!!

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Ugh, I guess I'll bring up this one too, while I'm at it!

I'm going to get my weight loss jumpstarted...ESPECIALLY after seeing a few pictures of myself from last weekend and today!!! EW....sooooo....I'm going to be brave and post a couple here...

Soooo...I'm ready to get rid of this "look"!!!! (The 2nd pic is after just waking up...hence the mess of a face and hair!)

Hi..I'm here...

2010-09-07T16:46:00.002-06:00

Well, had a very long weekend traveling to and from Idaho with Marlee and my mom. 10 hours one way...with a 3 month old...not exactly fun!

Marlee had a pretty rough time on the way out there. She did not like being in the carseat for so long! On the way home, she slept pretty much the whole way and I was able to enjoy the scenery!

I'll be sure to post some pictures of the trip soon!

Today, check in...hmmm...I guess I haven't really been trying at all. Life has been a little on the crazy side and we're still trying to figure out a routine!

What I really want to write about today is how I'm feeling right now. It's probably completely selfish and utterly unfair, but for some reason it's weighing pretty heavy on me right now.

So, we were gone for pretty much 4 days, right? I was constantly getting texts about how much Steven missed Marlee. Well, of course he's going to! She's usually with him all day long! Not a big deal...except he never really said that he missed me much...

And then, once we arrived home, he was cooking dinner and when he broke away from that he immediately went for Marlee. No big deal again...he missed her! Well, they did their little "daddy time" thing and whatever. But soon after, he went right back to cooking...like I wasn't even missed...

I actually had to prompt him for a kiss hello...

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm 2nd best to Marlee. Which, I am...okay, understood! But I don't want to be just plain forgotten like that...

I shouldn't have to prompt it...

Makes me sad...

And the Sitcom begins...

2010-09-02T16:38:00.003-06:00

Marlee's grandma Dorothy (Steven's mother) was annointed as an officer for the Salvation Army this past weekend. Her middle son, Leroy, his wife, and daughter joined us for the ceremony and church. Here is a photo of Marlee, Grandma Dorothy, and Destany (who is 3 months older than Marlee..but they're the same size!!!!):

Look at that proud smile! :)

Our "sitcom" started this week! After court on Tuesday for Steven's DUI, he jetted down to Denver to pick up Keque from the airport. Our new roommate has arrived!!! And to be quite honest, it's fun! He and I get along great thus far and I see a new fun light in Steven's eyes every day! Here's a photo of Marlee and her "Nino":

Marlee, my mom, and I leave for Idaho tomorrow morning. I'm sooooooooo ready to get out of town! We're leaving all the men in our lives back here in Colorado to wreck havoc! Look out! ha!

I'll be sure to have tons of great photos once I'm back on Tuesday! We're visiting my Great Grandma and introducing her to her very first Great Great Grandchild! :)

Tagged...

2010-08-30T18:14:00.002-06:00

My dear Miss Ruby tagged me in a post....the tag is to answer these questions:

1. What is your all-time favorite movie (the one that you can watch over and over, when just hearing it in the back ground is enough to imagine exactly what is happening on the screen)? This is tough for me to answer as I love TONS of movies...but I guess I'd have to say...hmmm...Step Brothers. It's stupid, ridiculous humor, but we love it and quote it daily!

2. Tell me about one Halloween costume you remember wearing as a child. I remember being a giant green M&M. I went trick or treating with my friends and they were all witches or Spice Girls...and here I am, BIG and GREEN in all it's glory!

3. Why did you start blogging? I needed an outlet. I never really stuck with it until this year when I really found my "voice".

4. What makes you happy? Stability. I would give anything for it right about now too...

5. If you were able to go back in time, where would you go and why? (I'll have to join Ruby on this one) The early - mid 50's. I, too, love the simplicity of the era.

6. What was the last thing you bought at the grocery store? Tortillas...we love them...

7. How do you take your coffee? (If you don’t drink coffee … wait, let me get a handle on that … YOU DON’T DRINK COFFEE??? Ok, if you don’t drink coffee, then what is your favorite beverage?) If I drink it, it's the fancy stuff...and I like it with soy milk and caramel...haha

8. Brag a little . . . tell me about a recent RAK (random act of kindness) that you took part in. Umm...we have a friend coming from California tomorrow. I've opened my home to him to stay as long as he needs to. The real kicker is that my home is 420 square feet and there's now going to be 3 adults, 1 baby, 1 cat and 1 dog in it! Whew!

Growing...

2010-08-27T17:45:00.001-06:00

Steven weighed Marlee via holding her...

Shes a cuddly 13.5lbs at 12 weeks old!

I just love her!

Mommy and Me

2010-08-25T16:51:00.004-06:00

This past weekend we had some more fun in the park while watching Daddy play softball! Marlee's Godmother Lori spent the day with us! (hence why I finally have Mommy and Me pictures)

All smiles...

I love Lori's face in this one...too funny!

MUAH!

The best!!! She's my favorite! (note her obsession with grabbing things now...like the bottom of her dress)

Those hands are the MOST interesting thing these days!

Softball must be pretty interesting...plus, she's getting so good at sitting up!

Yep, there's Daddy being his silly self. If you look closely you'll see how torn up his knee is!

Who can resist toes in the grass!

What is it about Tuesday's?!

2010-08-24T14:25:00.002-06:00

Soooo...check in...umm...seriously, didn't lose an ounce! Ha...I guess that's good, cause I haven't really been trying. (I know, shame on me). I don't have my measuring tape on me, so I can't check to see if my body is rearranging itself...so sorry...but at least I'm still stuck at 193.6...

Despite all the terrible things that can happen one week from now, I'm in a GREAT mood!

I didn't sleep extra long...

I didn't lose any weight...

I didn't even do 10 pushups or anything to boost my mood!

I think I'm just doing dandy with life right now. With not knowing where I'll be in 2 weeks time...not knowing how I'll be surviving with another adult in our tiny little house...I guess I'm living by this quote:

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere." - Anon.

I wish I had a great picture to post now...but I forgot my stinking memory card! Figures! I have some awesome ones of myself and Marlee that Lori took this weekend! I can't wait to share Mommy and Me pictures for once! I guess it's going to have to wait yet another day! Sorry!

Screw Friday the 13th!!!

2010-08-20T17:49:00.003-06:00

Today was bad-luck day!!! I think we're going to be superstitous about Friday the 20th's now!!

It started off with a car wreck...

Nothing really terrible, but it's still never a good thing!

Steven was backed into by a kid who didn't bother to look in his rearview mirrors (he admitted that to the cops) and so his hitch smashed in our driver's side headlight and bent the hood. It would have been way worse had Steven not been paying attention and was trying to reverse himself!

Then, as he was heading home, I was getting everything ready and noticed a bunch of water on the counter by our microwave...turns out, the air conditioner is leaking all over inside the house now! So, I switched it off and cleaned up.

Luckily, the kid who hit Steven has insurance...
And my dad is currently installing an even better air conditioner as I write!

So, bad...but good...

Park Day

2010-08-18T17:07:00.003-06:00

This was last weekend (I know I'm behind), but we spent about an hour at the park enjoying some Subway and the sunshine. Here's a few pics from that:

Yes, he's a grown man...just silly!

Our dear friend Sarah and her big, beautiful smile!

One of very few pictures of Marlee and I together. I love my little chunk!

She was sitting on Sarah's legs enjoying the sunshine!

My handsome Steven...**swoon**

Happier..I promise!

2010-08-18T15:54:00.004-06:00

This morning I drug myself to my alcohol therapy class (yes, still doing them for my DUI almost 2 years ago) and I wasn't really looking forward to really being awake just yet after yesterday. But we started talking...and we wrote timelines. Above the line is positive things, below negative things. I was amazed to see that I could only think of 2 negative things to put on my timeline. 1. Divorce 2. DUI.

This all kind of slapped me in the face. I worry, fret, stress over everything, but in all reality, my life is pretty stinkin' good! Thankfully, this lifted my spirits!

Another happy thing, I stepped on the scale this morning before my shower thinking that maybe I'd lost a few ounces and I won't be freaking out as much! Well, I lost that stupid extra 3lbs that scared me yesterday! Thank goodness! Not to mention, I was down 4ounces from last weeks weight...must have been retaining some silly water!

Soooo 193.2...not what I want it to be...but its going to all change in the next couple weeks! I have to get some motivation so that I can keep up with Steven and Keque once he's here!

And just because I've been super lacking...here's some pictures for your visual pleasure:

She's kind of goofy in this little play mat! I love watching her in the distorted, cheap mirror!

Milky white skin...but it's just soooo stinkin' cute over that pudgy, boob belly! :)

And who can resist a dimply little butt! (She's going to kill me in about 16 years!)

Another wasted Tuesday...

2010-08-17T16:15:00.001-06:00

So, I should be sharing happy weight-loss news...but I'm not...again...

I think it's stress...

But I'm up another 3lbs...

Damnit...

COMING SOON!

2010-08-16T16:12:00.002-06:00

My life...is about to turn into a sitcom...

I'm not kidding you...

Marlee's Godfather, and Steven's "little brother" from California, is coming August 31st!

The title of our new sitcom: Two tattooed men, one woman, and a baby (it's a working title...got any better ideas?!)

The fun part is that he's coming on a one-way ticket. We have no idea if or when he'll return to good ole Stockton, California.

I'm excited...truly...but also fairly stressed.

Keque plans to look for work...which there's not much...but in the meantime, I'll still be the only one with an income in our house. Not to mention, again, we live in 420 square feet and adding another 200+ pound man to the living space will be quite interesting.

All the negative aside though, I'm excited. From our short text conversations, Keque and I get along well. And I can't wait for Steven to have that very close friend with him again!

So, it'll be interesting...

I'm trying...

2010-08-11T15:21:00.002-06:00

Ok...so breakfast this morning, I had yogurt with some granola! (it was actually noon...but it was my first meal)

I packed in my purse for work a banana and peanut butter sandwich (we need some lunch meat), a pudding cup (I might eat that), and a bag of baby carrots. I also was sure to grab my Nalgene so that I could just drink tons of water instead of getting a pop!!!

It's Employee Appreciation Week and we had ice cream sandwiches today....so I splurged and had one!!! Now, I think I'd better skip that pudding cup....

I'm trying..really, I am....

I think it's really the birth control shot (not trying to find an excuse). They warned me! They said it'll increase appetite but to just eat more veggies and fruit and drink tons of water! Guess in my head that turned into, "eat tons of cookies and pop and whatever"!

But...again, I'm trying...

Check-in...

2010-08-10T17:27:00.002-06:00

So, I'm supposed to have all these measurements and great progress to share with you!

But alas, I don't...

My weight has jumped up 3lbs since last week! (I think it may be due to my first period since the baby).

And because I saw that dreaded 193.6 on the scale this morning (while I was naked...so no clothes to blame it on), I've now downed 2 pops and a candybar here at work!!! What the heck is wrong with me!?

I was doing so well...I even had a salad with cottage cheese for lunch today...

But then I got the munchies...

How do I defeat the munchies without visiting the vending machine!? I packed a bagel...ate it...didn't help. I have gum...now chewing my second piece...hasn't helped...

Oi, I'm scared to step on the scale again for another week!!!!

Promise to myself: I will do better....

Things I love...

2010-08-06T14:36:00.003-06:00

First off, HAPPY FRIDAY! I enjoy weekends sooooo much....especially now that we're all sober! They've become like little vacations...times to really be together...*sigh* I. Can't. Wait.

Now...things I love:

When Marlee is at work with me while Dad goes to his meetings, she likes to sit in her carseat at the base of my stool to have some wiggle time. (I'm sure it gets rather boring watching Mom do work on the computer when she's in my lap). I look down at her while she's wiggling and she'll catch my eyes...I'll smile...she'll smile...and then she'll start talking to me. I love this one-on-one time...and honestly, I can't wait for her to just laugh at me! :)
This may seem ridiculous...but Carl's Jr.'s Cranberry Apple Walnut Chicken Salad just speaks to me. I really don't know how to express the deliciousness of this 300 calorie wonder! Just try it...please?!
Sometimes when we're just laying in our bed watching movies (our bed is in our living room...which we converted to the bedroom...so that the bedroom can become the nursery/walk-in closet) Steven will reach his arm over and just place his hand on my side, my arm, my hip, somewhere...and that warmth, that touch, just makes me melt. I could stay in that moment for years!

There's my love for today...

Do you have any??

Big needles defeat little legs...

2010-08-05T15:39:00.002-06:00

Marlee had to get her 2 month shots today! Poor little thing!!

She was such a trooper though! I gave her a small amount of tylenol before we left and then the rest about an hour afterwards. I think she's doing alright through it all!

Steven had to step out of the room while they did it otherwise he could have very likely punched the nurse!

Marlee cried on the first one...screamed on the second one...then calmed a little as I switched sides and then screamed for the fourth one...

Seriously, I was going to burst into tears myself! But I didn't...I was strong for her!

Catching back up...

2010-08-04T13:28:00.007-06:00

First off, yes, I know, I forgot to do any of my measurements or weight yesterday! :( FAIL! I've also forgotten this morning again because well, frankly, we've been running around like chicken's with our heads cut off! Sooo...maybe tomorrow...maybe...

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Secondly, we have toads. Big, fat, lazy toads. It comes with living in the country. Not really a huge deal except that my silly dog likes to pee on them! YEP...he sniffs them...picks on them...and then pees all over them!!! Weirdo!

Well, we have a smart toad! See, in our hot weather things tend to dry out very easily..including these poor toads. One in particular decided that it would be best to sit underneath our air conditioner where it drips and enjoy the excess water! Now that's just using what little brains he has! And gives us quite a laugh!

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Lastly, today is Marlee-bug's 2 month birthday!!! HAPPY 2 MONTHS LIL MISS!

I can't believe how much she's grown in this time. She's long and now filling out...she's changing every single day flip-flopping between looking like me and looking like Steven. It's so fun to see what she'll do new each day as well!

Here's a picture feast of her from last night:

Big yawns...and pudgy arms!

Who doesn't love that cute little mouth and a wink!?

She's getting that beautiful "splash" in the middle of her eyes like Steven and I have!

I'm learning manual settings on my camera and am able to get great close-up shots. I just love her!

Something else must have been more interesting! (I need to get my eyebrows waxed badly...and I, unfortunately, am battling some nasty acne since giving birth!)

...and then she yawns...so we still don't have a good picture! haha

She's so beautiful :)

Any random photoshoot wouldn't be complete without a drunken smile!

Dad loves his Punky-bug so much!

Fall in love...I know you are! ;)

Just call me Martha...maybe...

2010-08-02T17:39:00.002-06:00

Today, we got officially (and I mean officially because the money was put on the card) approved for food assistance! Seriously, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a fully stocked kitchen...one that I could actually try recipes on a whim with...

I guess maybe I'll know now!!! Maybe I won't feel like a tub of lard at the end of the day because I've eaten dollar store cookies, frozen pizza, and ramen noodles all day....maybe I'll actually know what it's like to have a complete meal...

*sigh*

Just call me Martha...maybe...(give me a few months to figure out how to cook first)

AA - not for quitters!

2010-07-29T14:56:00.002-06:00

You know how there's always a stigma to things in life? How people get preconceived ideas toward things they know nothing about?

Well, one has been snuffed out in my family this week.

Steven started going to AA (yep, alcoholics anonymous) on Monday. After a couple weeks of fighting and stress, I think it finally hit when things got really bad this last weekend. I couldn't do it anymore so I left him at a birthday party...where he and a friend decided it was time to do the sober thing together.

AA has always been considered for "quitters" in a lot of people's eyes. Acceptance really is the first step in this whole thing. Not necessarily acceptance that you have a problem (which is the obvious first step in the program), but rather acceptance that it's okay to be someone that goes to AA...it's okay to give up on social pressures...it's all okay!

I can already see changes in him. I see the parts of Steven that I love dearly surfacing and growing. He has stated that he's learning a lot about himself and I honestly can't wait to see the result after even just a month.

I, too, am living the sober life. I should have been a long time ago. February 2009 I got a DUI and that should have stopped me right there. But it didn't.

Really, what did stop me, was getting pregnant. I realized that this little sacrifice in my world will bring so much more happiness to Marlee's life! She doesn't need to be around it...she can discover it one day and we can help her through it, but she doesn't need to see the terrible effects first-hand. What kind of childhood would that be?!

The end of 2008, I did recognize addictive tendancies in myself with my social life. I wanted to be out drinking all the time! So, I stopped that right there. I was sober for 6 weeks until I met Steven.

That sounds terrible. It's not his fault I started drinking again; it's my own. I'm just glad I have had the ability since to stop myself.

Okay, to wrap this around into a complete post; some people can't just stop with their own free will. That's okay though!! It's perfectly acceptable and admirable to ask for help. To seek peers who know exactly what you're going through.

I admire Steven.

Wandering mind on a Wednesday...

2010-07-28T16:43:00.002-06:00

I weighed myself this morning so that I could report back!

Starting weight: 193
Today: 190.4

I like those numbers! :) Not as good as the 188 I once saw on the scale not too long ago! But hopefully soon I'll see it again! (And then let it pass by...haha)

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This morning we had our "interview" with the food assistance office. The lady was super nice which helped to fix my anxiety about the whole thing. Everyone had given me horror stories about being denied and the things I needed to have for proof of citizenship...blah blah blah! So, needless to say, I haven't slept very well since Friday!

Today, she told us that there's no reason she can see that we would be denied!! **Insert excited face** And that we should know our benefits in the next couple days (at which point we can go get food...nom nom nom)!

Thank goodness!

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I'm kind of freaking out lately. I don't know if it's warranted, but I really don't want this all to come back! I've been itchy...

For those of you that have known me for a while or have read my blog for a few years know what I'm talking about. But for those who are like, "OMG, this girl is itchy?! WTF does that mean?!". I was diagnosed with Chronic Urticaria (hives) before I was pregnant. I basically was having histamine reactions in my body for no reason! HA, fun, right?! No, not at all.

Well, lately, my hands have been getting little spots on them and my legs are kind of itchy here and there. Pregnancy puts it all in remission because of the boost in hormones (dont know how that quite works but it does) and I've prayed that it would just stay in remission...

I still pray for it to stay away...

I hated the sleepless nights...the zombie feelings because I was on so many different antihistamines...the constant itching that tested my sanity...the funny looks from people cause I was covered in hives...the watching what I eat so its not triggered...etc.

Please, PLEASE, let it stay away...